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Band 5

Can money bring happiness to people? Should people rather focus on moral values instead?

#money #happiness #people #focus #values
The concept of
happiness
 breaks into countless interpretations, making it impossible to quantify. People generally fall into two groups regarding the relationship between
money
 and
happiness
, sparking endless debates. In my perspective,
money
 serves as a tool to achieve the peak of
happiness
. If you aim to maintain good health
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
cherish moments with your family and experience joy,
money
 will become indispensable for securing that health. In one perspective,
money
 is seen as a tool to achieve
happiness
. Financial stability can alleviate stress and provide a sense of security, enabling individuals to pursue their passions and desires.
However
, without moral values guiding their actions, individuals may find themselves feeling empty and unfulfilled despite their material wealth.
On the other hand
, prioritizing moral values can lead to deeper connections with others, a greater sense of purpose, and lasting
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
.
While
money
 may facilitate access to certain experiences, it is the cultivation of empathy, compassion, and integrity that ultimately leads to true
happiness
.
Submitted by libranefertiti93 on

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Task Achievement
To elevate your essay, consider more concrete examples to support your claims. While you've done well in presenting your ideas, fleshing them out with specific instances could enhance their impact.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, but to improve coherence further, try making your transitions between paragraphs smoother. Using phrases that more obviously link ideas can help maintain a seamless flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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