IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, young people are under big pressure to achieve academic success. Some people argue that non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as P.E. or cookery are not necessary and need to be removed from the school syllabus to allow to concentrate pupils on academic work. Personally, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will describe both points of view and explain my opinion.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in various schools around the world students can face different
lessons
Use synonyms
, which can have their own advantages and disadvantages.
Lessons
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as physical education and cookery, give a chance to students to spend time with benefits and fun.
In addition
Linking Words
, these non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 will develop young people in other areas of life.
For example
Linking Words
, in my school, we have only physical education
lessons
Use synonyms
 once a week.
As a result
Linking Words
, my classmates can pay attention to physical activities, which helps us to build good connections with each other and gives opportunity to relax after a hard day. From my perspective, these
lessons
Use synonyms
 are much loved by students of all ages.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 can provide a healthy lifestyle.
For instance
Linking Words
, cookery
lessons
Use synonyms
 can illustrate children's types of food cooking, healthy ingredients and cooking process, which can be very interesting for a majority of kids. In our times we have many adults who know nothing about healthy food and cooking, and
as a result
Linking Words
, it can cause illnesses.
Thus
Linking Words
, I believe that non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 will help children to choose the correct ingredients in their ration. In conclusion, I want to say that non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 are necessary in school programs because they give the opportunity to educate society and these will be very important when children become adults.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Ensure the essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction and conclusion are present but could be developed with clearer thesis statements and summaries.
coherence
Use a range of linking phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs better. While the essay has some coherence, the use of varied transitional phrases can enhance the flow of information.
support
Develop each main point with more in-depth explanations and specific examples. The essay mentions the benefits of non-academic subjects but could illustrate these points with more detailed examples and analysis.
task response
To fully address the task, ensure that you provide a balanced discussion of both viewpoints before stating your opinion. While your stance is clear, elaborating on the counter-argument would strengthen the essay.
language use
Improve the range and accuracy of your vocabulary and grammatical structures to express your ideas more effectively and to make the essay more engaging.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: