IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

[2:12 pm, 27/03/2024] ℋᎯℳℐⅅ: Today more people are overweight than ever before. What are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic? [2:12 pm, 27/03/2024] 🇵 Ə 🇳 🇦 🇭:

#people #effects #epidemic
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays the majority of
people
Use synonyms
 suffer from
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
, and
this
Linking Words
 situation has some reasons,
also
Linking Words
 effects. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss the main reason behind obesity and propose some possible suggestions that can be helped.First of all,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology has improved day by day, and it can provide individuals with various services which make their life easier.
For example
Linking Words
, they can buy their needs from online shopping sites,
therefore
Linking Words
 they should not go anywhere,
also
Linking Words
 they do not do exercise,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 leads to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
 cholesterol level and blood pressure.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, today, in the contemporary world, we face
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
different
pandemic
Fix the agreement mistake
pandemics
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
covid-19
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
show examples
, and
people
Use synonyms
 should stay at
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
home, they cannot go out. They become lazy persons by working from their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 leads them to be overweight.
Overweight
Add a missing verb
Being overweight
show examples
 has some effects on
people
Use synonyms
’s life. One of them is health problems . To be more specific, if they do not
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise enough, they cannot manage their
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 conditions, and their cholesterol level and blood pressure can increase which can be
reason
Add an article
the reason
a reason
show examples
 for important
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
 in the future. At the same time,
this
Linking Words
 situation can decrease their productivity in their work. They cannot do some
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 because of their weight. In conclusion, improving
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology creates lazy
people
Use synonyms
 in
contemporary
Add an article
the contemporary
show examples
 world. Its reasons can be different, but
this
Linking Words
 trend
result
Change the verb form
results
show examples
 in
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
, and it can change our modern life directly. The majority of overweight
people
Use synonyms
 deal with some health issues,
also
Linking Words
 it can decline productivity of their work.
Submitted by writingbhos on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that your introduction gives a preview of the causes and effects you will discuss, making your intentions clear from the beginning.
task achievement
Develop your main points with more detailed examples and analysis. Instead of general statements, include specific, real-world instances or more detailed explanations to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on paragraph structure; each paragraph should have one clear main idea supported by examples or explanations. Use topic sentences to introduce the paragraph's main point.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas within and across paragraphs more effectively. This will improve the flow of your essay and make it easier for the reader to follow your logic.
coherence cohesion
Revise sentences that are awkwardly constructed or grammatically incorrect. Pay attention to verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure to enhance the clarity of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: