Some people believe that hospitals should spend money on equipment. Others think it would be better to spend money hiring doctors and nurses. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

A number of individuals assumed that
hopitals
Correct your spelling
hospitals
must distribute
budget
Correct article usage
the budget
show examples
on medical tools. Meanwhile, others suggest it is
preferreable
Correct your spelling
preferable
preferrable
to assign money by recruiting more
professionals
such
as doctors and nurses. I will discuss both views, and in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
it is important for health
centre
Fix the agreement mistake
centres
show examples
to increase more advanced medical tools
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
because there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
many demand to handle more serious
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
as long as health
centre
Fix the agreement mistake
centres
show examples
have enough
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
professionals
.
One
Change preposition
On one
show examples
hand, allocating money by upgrading
healthcare
tools will advance patient's
services
in order to monitor their treatment progress.
In addition
,
hospitals
with
sophiscated
Correct your spelling
sophisticated
devices will lead to effectiveness,
thus
, patients obtain
smooth
Correct article usage
a smooth
show examples
medical
process
Fix the agreement mistake
processes
show examples
.
For example
,
Correct article usage
the jembersehat
show examples
jembersehat
Correct your spelling
members hat
application
that is
conducted by
local
Correct article usage
the local
show examples
council currently
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
very helpful
to handle
Change preposition
in handling
show examples
patient's
Change noun form
patient
show examples
registration.
Furthermore
, investing
budget
for medical
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
can support research and
innovative
Replace the word
innovation
show examples
in medical technology. On another hand, allocating
budget
Correct article usage
a budget
show examples
to recruit more
professionals
in
healthcare
will improve the quality of medical
services
.
Moreover
, increasing
more
Fix the agreement mistake
the number of
show examples
employees will provide
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
specialized
Change preposition
of specialized
show examples
doctors, it surely offers
wider
Add an article
a wider
show examples
range of
healthcare
services
and it will lead to patients
can get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
compherensive
Correct your spelling
comprehensive
services
according
Add the preposition
according to
show examples
their needs.
For instance
,
hospitals
which have numerous specialized members will guide people
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
suffering
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
toothache
Change preposition
from toothache
show examples
towards
dentist
Add an article
the dentist
show examples
.
Then
, more
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
also
will enhance response times. As
hospitals
have more
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
available, as more possible to respond quickly
more
Change preposition
to more
show examples
urgent medical situations.
To conclude
, I strongly believe that
hospitals
should invest
budget
Correct pronoun usage
their budget
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
increasing advanced medical devices in order to deal with
demand
Add an article
the demand
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
serious disease cases as long as they have
quite
Change the article
quite a
show examples
number of
healthcare
professionals
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Your essay presented a clear discussion of both views and offered a personal opinion, which is good. However, to further improve your task achievement, ensure that your opinion is presented and explained more clearly within the essay. Introduce your main opinion more prominently in the introduction, and reiterate it in the conclusion for stronger impact.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more naturally. This will make your essay flow better. Also, pay attention to paragraphing, ensuring that each paragraph deals with one main idea. This will enhance the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay could benefit from increased specificity in your examples. Provide detailed and concrete examples where possible to support your points. This will not only make your argument more convincing but also demonstrate your ability to discuss abstract ideas in a concrete way.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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