IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people believe that it is important for parents to force their children to success while others believe that cooperation is more important. Do you agree with this?

#people #parents #force #children #success #cooperation
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Some argue that kids are being forced by their mom and dad to succeed,
while
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others
Use synonyms
 think that they should be taught the importance of being cooperative
instead
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.
Although
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 imposing the importance of success on children can force them to
work
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 hard, I believe that cooperation is more important because it teaches them to
work
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 on a
team
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. On the one hand, forcing children to be successful in life can help them to
work
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 hard. Instilling
this
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 mindset on them can make them believe that if they
work
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 hard enough they will be able to achieve anything they want in life. They will be more competitive and
this
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 can
also
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 enhance their confidence,
as a result
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, they will be more successful.
For instance
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, Elon Musk said that he was more motivated to do well in school because his parents expected him to be a dean's lister when he was studying.
However
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, teaching kids to be cooperative is more important because it can help them to
work
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 on a
team
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.
On the other hand
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, cooperation teaches kids the value of working with
others
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. It can help them learn that sharing the workload can get things done faster.
Also
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, it does not only help them know their strengths and weaknesses but
as well as
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others
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,
thus
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,
this
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 collaboration can achieve greater success.
For example
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,most company require their employee to be a good
team
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 player because they know that
this
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 is essential for the growth of the company.
Hence
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, I believe that working with
others
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 plays a more important role in children's lives. In conclusion, though forcing a child to be successful encourages them to
work
Use synonyms
 harder, I believe that cooperation teaches them the importance of working on a
team
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by yoko.onerom on

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Task Achievement
Ensure your comparison between forcing success and valuing cooperation is clear and delineated. This will enhance the clarity of your argument and strengthen your essay.
Task Achievement
Work on integrating examples more seamlessly into your argument. While examples like Elon Musk add value, ensure they are fully explored and clearly linked to your main point.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay showcases a good logical structure. To improve, ensure transition words or phrases are utilized effectively to guide the reader through your argument with ease.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on diversifying your sentence structures. This will not only improve the flow of your essay but also demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-crafted, effectively framing and summarizing your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
The main ideas in your essay are supported and developed throughout, providing a solid structure to your argument.
Task Achievement
Your essay successfully addresses the prompt, providing a clear stance on the topic with a reasoned argument.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, making your essay easy to follow and understand.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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