IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many young people today spend a lot of time playing electronic games. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #time #games #development
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Over the
last
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 few years, the number of people who prefer to
playing
Wrong verb form
play
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 electronic
game
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games
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 has increased significantly.
Although
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 there are several advantages of
Use synonyms
children
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children's
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 online
games
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,
it
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they
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 can have some disadvantages as well. In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will try to discuss both
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
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 and negative sides of
this
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 and draw a conclusion. On the one hand, there are several benefits of electronic
games
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. the first merit of it is considered to be that
children
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 who are victims of
cyber bullying
Correct your spelling
cyberbullying
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 can fall into
serve
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severe
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 depression.
For instance
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,
teen
Fix the agreement mistake
teens
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 can challenge each other to come into contact with strangers who turn out to be online predators. But it is all too easy to access inappropriate websites and explicit images and videos. Sometimes computer
games
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 are addictive and
Couse
Correct your spelling
cause
show examples
children
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 to neglect their homework. Another positive aspect is thought to be that
children
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 may inadvertently reveal personal information, which could result in identity theft.
On the other hand
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, despite
mentioned
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the mentioned
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 positives, some young
human
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humans
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 today
a
Add a missing verb
have a
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lot of free time playing online
games
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. One of the major negatives of it is that parents need to keep an eye on their
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
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 online activities and talk to them about the dangers involved in using the internet.
For example
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, online safety is a component of internet
liferacy
Correct your spelling
literacy
 and should be
toucht
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taught
 in each and every school. Or parents and
children
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 need to spend more time engaging in leisure activities together. But parents need to talk openly to their
children
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 about how to stay safe online. Another important demerit is that
children
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 need to be taught how to recognise and report inappropriate online behaviour. In conclusion,
while
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 electronic
games
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 can offer several positives, there may be some drawbacks too. From my personal point of view,
positives
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the positives
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 of
this
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 will outweigh the negatives.
Submitted by soglomovsarvar on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Consider focusing on a clearer structure in your essay. Start with an introduction that outlines your topic, followed by paragraphs that each discuss a single point related to the topic, and conclude with a summary of your points or a restatement of your stance. This will help in making your argument more coherent.
Task Achievement
Ensure your arguments are supported by specific examples or evidence. This adds credibility to your points and makes your essay more persuasive.
Language accuracy
Be mindful of your grammar and vocabulary usage. Aim for variety in your sentence structures and precision in your word choices to enhance the clarity and sophistication of your essay.
Argument Consistency
Double-check your essay for any unintended contradictions or inaccuracies, especially when discussing advantages and disadvantages. Ensuring consistency in your argument will strengthen your overall message.
Subject Engagement
You've effectively opened a discussion on a relevant topic, sparking interest.
Conclusive Summary
Your conclusion succinctly wraps up the essay, allowing your personal stance to be clear.
Balanced Discussion
The essay demonstrates a willingness to consider both sides of the argument, contributing to a balanced discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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