IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year . Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year . Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.
#bar #persons #job #type #sex #australia #year #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The bar chart illustrates
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
how many males and females were employed in seven different positions in Australia
last
 year.
Overall
, we can see that there
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
severe
Correct article usage
a severe
show examples
 gender gap, and the
number
 of males
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 more than females except for professionals and clericals. Regarding
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
men, the most popular job
was trades
Change the verb form
was trading
show examples
 and
second
Correct article usage
the second
show examples
 was clerical. Specifically, there were 900,000 tradespeople and 800,000 clerical. Other jobs had under 700,000
people
, but at least over 400,000 and the lowest
number
 was labourers.
On the other hand
,
Add an article
the inclination
an inclination
show examples
inclination
Fix the agreement mistake
inclinations
show examples
 of women
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 completely different. The highest
number
 of
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
show examples
 was clerical , and the second highest was professionals. Looking more closely, there
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 just under 1,000,000
people
 in clerical, followed by professionals at 7,000,000
people
. Others were not over 400,000, and Tradespeople and
people
 in production had the same
number
 and lowest in all positions. More specifically, there were 100,000
people
 in each
jobs
Change to a singular noun
job
show examples
Submitted by mayu1022.p on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words number, people with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: