There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Students
nowadays are under a lot of pressure to achieve
academical
Replace the word
academic
show examples
success in order to get into a good university or secure a
well paid
Add a hyphen
well-paid
show examples
job.
For
this
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
some people argue that schools need to focus on academic
subjects
and vocational
subjects
should
therefore
not
taught
Add a missing verb
be taught
show examples
at schools. I would argue that
while
academic
skills
are important, schools need to teach a wide range of both academic and more
skills
-based
subjects
.
Firstly
,
school
should not only be about teaching academic
skills
but a wider range of life
skills
so that
students
can join society when leaving
school
. Practical
subjects
can help to teach these
skills
to
students
.
For example
, physical education teaches
students
how to work as part of a team and
also
the importance of being healthy.
Furthermore
, if cookery is taught
then
students
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
learn a great deal about health and nutrition.
Secondly
, academic
subjects
are not of equal
important
Replace the word
importance
show examples
for all
students
. There is the possibility of including more practical
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
show examples
subjects
on the syllabus like woodwork, textile design and computing
skills
. If they study these
subjects
students
will increase their employment prospects and could help them to secure employment when they leave
school
. It is important to remember that not all
students
will continue to higher education and
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
to enable those
students
to find work.
Finally
, too much pressure should not be put on
school
students
. Taking part in
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
show examples
subjects
like art, music or drama gives
students
the opportunity to be creative.
This
could help them to manage stress degrees and
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
more productive in other areas. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
I would argue that
although
academic
subjects
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
important,
this
should not be the only focus of a
school
syllabus. There are a number of benefits to teaching
students
non academic
Add a hyphen
non-academic
show examples
subjects
Submitted by chfannimr on

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structure
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your transitions between paragraphs are smooth to maintain a strong flow throughout the essay.
balance
Try to explore both sides of the argument more fully in body paragraphs to provide a more balanced discussion.
specificity
Consider including more specific examples from real life or studies to strengthen your arguments.
introduction/conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively set up and summarize your main points, providing a clean frame for your essay.
sentence variety
You have successfully included a variety of sentence structures that enhance the readability of your essay.
comprehensiveness
Your essay covers a wide range of points, showing the importance of non-academic subjects in a well-rounded education.

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  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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