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Band 4

Many young people change their jobs or careers every few years. Why? Advantages overweigh the disadvantages?

#people #change #jobs #careers #years #overweigh
Changing the job is a hotly debated that divides opinion. There are some arguments that many youngsters tend to quit
work
 after just a few days of
work
. In my opinion, despite some reasons behind that, it still brings more drawbacks than benefits. On the one hand, it can not be denied that many young employees quit
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 with one another for different reasons. Some people find themselves exploited by their seniors in their factories. To explain, some certain capitalist companies require their workers to
work
 a lot but employees are not being paid adequately, so their health is not being ensured leading to
work
 inefficiently.
In addition
, it might be because the new young generations can not withstand great pressure like older generations because they live in an environment
is
Correct pronoun usage
that is
show examples
 more ease than the past ones.
However
,
this
 causes much damage,
for example
, if employees still
work
 for a few months
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
 quit that
work
, it might decrease the quality of the product in each company leading to
direct
Add an article
a direct
the direct
show examples
 effect on the income of that company and many organizations or investors as well.
On the contrary
, the starting of all tasks is difficult, they have to accept and gradually overcome,
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 can not decide by themselves because the company is organised, they ought to
work
 with many other people. In conclusion,
although
 there are some reasons that make youngers
feel
Verb problem
find it
show examples
 hard to follow the job, they have to try every day
instead
 of quitting the job quickly.
Submitted by nhuquynhbn2004 on

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Task Achievement
Be sure to directly address both parts of the task: reasons for job changes and whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. The essay somewhat addresses the reasons but doesn't fully explore the balance between advantages and disadvantages.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on creating a more coherent argument by connecting your ideas more logically. Use transition words between paragraphs and sentences to help the reader understand how your ideas relate to each other.
Task Achievement
Consider developing your main points with more precise examples. Specific examples can help make your argument more compelling and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
You've presented a clear opinion which is good practice for making your stance known in the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
You raise relevant reasons behind job changes, demonstrating some understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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