IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

More and more young people are using drugs and alcohol these days. What are the causes of this problem? What are some possible solutions?

#people #drugs #alcohol
Consumption of alcohol and substance abuse is a growing concern for our society. It is now a frequent sight in big cities where young
people
 are drunk or under the influence of
drugs
. Not only it has caused problems related to
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 of individuals
,
Add the word(s)
, but
show examples
it
also
 has rendered many economically weak and dependent. First of all, I think the main
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
 why the use of
drugs
 and alcohol is used by young
people
because
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
access to these has become quite easy. All you have to do is, take out your mobile phone, order it on the app and wait for it to get delivered to you in a couple of hours. Young
people
 are quite good with technology and once they are exposed
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
such
 apps and websites they tend to get curious about it and
end-up
Correct your spelling
end up
show examples
 ordering
such
 things. From that point, it is a matter of time until they get addicted to one of these substances.
Moreover
, it is often seen that
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
 few times,
drugs
 are given free to the users to lure them into addiction.
However
,
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 is working actively to spread awareness amongst young
people
, it is quite
natuaral
Correct your spelling
natural
 that good initiatives spread slowly and take time
Add the particle
to compare
show examples
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to something like
drugs
. I think
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the best solution for the above problem is to teach about the harmful effects of alcohol and
drugs
 in schools and universities,
along with
 helpline numbers for young
people
 to ask questions about
such
 issues without
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
judgement. Not only
this
 will ensure
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 usage decreases over the period of time
,
Add the word(s)
, but
show examples
it will
also
 help
catching
Wrong verb form
catch
show examples
 the culprits with the help of
such
 programs. In my opinion, we need to bring young
people
 in confidence and use their power to put a halt
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
such
 activities.
Submitted by maneetgiri1 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. While you've given a general overview, adding detailed instances can make your essay more convincing.
Language Proficiency
Be cautious with spelling and grammar. Although minor errors won't significantly impact your score, consistent accuracy helps maintain a professional tone throughout your essay.
Language Proficiency
Consider varying your sentence structure more to add sophistication and interest to your essay. While you have a good grasp of sentence formulation, diversifying structures can elevate your writing.
Coherence & Cohesion
You did an excellent job of introducing the topic and outlining the essay's structure, which helps readers follow your argument effortlessly.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the task directly, offering both causes and possible solutions, which demonstrates a good understanding of the question asked.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: