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Band 5

The way children spend their free time has been changed by technology. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#children #time #technology
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The way
children
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 spend their free
time
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 has been changed by
technology
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. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? Today
children
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 spend their leisure
time
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 differently
due to
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technology
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.
While
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 there are some benefits to
this
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, they are outweighed by the drawbacks. One advantage of
children
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 using
technology
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 in their free
time
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 is it provides access to information. When
children
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use
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 the internet,
for example
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, they can learn several
skills
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, which are not typically covered in schools. Coding, languages, and content creation can be notable examples. Improved computer
skills
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 can be another benefit. When
children
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 actively
use
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 computers and the internet, they can learn how to
use
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 search engines, fast typing, and working with files. These
skills
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 can come in handy in the future.     In my opinion,
however
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, the downsides of using
technology
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 are greater. One major disadvantage is it can lead to health problems.
Children
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 who frequently
use
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technology
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such
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 as phones and computers may suffer from eyesight deterioration.
Also
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, these devices can lead to
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle, which may result in overweightness. Addiction to
technology
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 is an even bigger problem. If
children
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 become addicted to
technology
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,
this
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 may distract them from more important tasks,
such
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 as doing homework and exercise.
This
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 may affect the
overall
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 development of
children
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. In conclusion, there are some positives associated with using
technology
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 in
children
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’s free
time
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,
such
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 as access to information and change to improve their computer
skills
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.
However
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, these are not as significant as the negatives, which include health-related issues and addiction.
Submitted by amuhammedov665 on

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Task Achievement
It's fantastic to see you addressing both sides of the argument, beginning with advantages and then focusing on the disadvantages. Supporting your points with specific examples would enhance your essay further. Consider incorporating more real-life scenarios or studies to strengthen your argument.
Coherence
You've demonstrated a sound understanding of essay structure, effectively organizing your ideas into paragraphs. To improve coherence, aim for smoother transitions between ideas. Particularly, you could use more cohesive devices to link sentences and paragraphs more seamlessly.
Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and outline the main argument effectively. To make your conclusion stronger, try to include a more comprehensive summary of the points discussed along with a decisive opinion.
Structure
You've made a commendable effort in presenting your argument clearly, with a defined introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Response to Prompt
The essay directly addresses the prompt, discussing both advantages and disadvantages of technology's influence on children's free time.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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