IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In recent years, there has been growing interests in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

#years #interests #relationship #equality #achievement #people #individuals #societies #levels #merits #success
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In my opinion, both views are something that needs to
be balance
Change the verb form
be balanced
show examples
. The reason is,
personal
Correct word choice
that personal
show examples
achievements
 are important for
competition
 leading to a higher chance of reaching goals.
However
,
equality
 will
also
 help with teamwork and a better understanding of respect. There are benefits and disadvantages for these two topics that can
be briefly discuss
Change the verb form
be briefly discussed
show examples
.
Firstly
, achieving something individually helps
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 a greater experience of success and
fail
Replace the word
failure
show examples
 before the final goal arrives.
In addition
, people will learn and study more from their past mistakes and try to be better.
Secondly
, people with greater
achievements
 will be viewed as an example more
others
.
Therefore
, leading to more
competition
 and a higher chance of accomplishment.
However
,
equality
play
Change the verb form
plays
show examples
 the most
parts
Fix the agreement mistake
part
show examples
 because the point of view of people will be the same and
balance
Wrong verb form
balanced
show examples
.
Additionally
,
this
 will help them increase their teamwork and performance by
others
helps
Verb problem
apply
show examples
.
Moreover
,
equality
 would not lead to bad
competition
 and overcoming challenges
instead
 will create more
achievements
 with the help of
others
. In conclusion, there are benefits and disadvantages
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 both views. Personal
achievements
 are better at enhancing
competition
 leading to success
while
equality
 helps with a successful performance in terms of teamwork.
In contrast
, it is important to standardize both views by helping
others
 in their achievement and view
others
 in rivalry to enhance a successful goal.
Submitted by lydiaia on

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Introduction Clarity
Try to clarify your position in relation to the prompt more explicitly in the introduction. It will help the reader understand your viewpoint from the beginning.
Linking Words
In order to enhance coherence and cohesion, make use of a wider range of linking words and phrases. This will make the transitions between ideas smoother and your argumentation clearer.
Specific Examples
Adding more specific examples to support your arguments can enrich your essay. These examples provide concrete evidence that strengthens your claims.
Analysis Depth
To improve task achievement, try to delve deeper into the prompt's question. Discussing the relationship between equality and personal success with more detailed analysis could provide more depth to your essay.
Conclusion Clarity
When concluding, reiterate your main points briefly and ensure your final stance on the topic is clear. This reinforces the argument you've made throughout your essay.
Balanced Understanding
You acknowledged the importance of balancing personal achievements and equality, which shows a nuanced understanding of the topic.
Structure
Your essay demonstrates a good structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Balanced Argument
You've effectively discussed both sides of the argument, which is commendable for a balanced viewpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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