Some people say that what children watch on television influences their behavior, while others say the amount of time spend watching television influences their behavior. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Although
many people state that what shows on the
Correct article usage
apply
TV
’s programs have impact
on Add an article
an impact
children
’s treatment, others believe that long
hours that they spend watching Correct article usage
the long
TV
affects
their Correct subject-verb agreement
affect
conducts
. In my point of view, I consider that the long time that Fix the agreement mistake
conduct
spend
sitting Change the verb form
spends
to watch
Change the verb form
watching
TV
is more effective on their behavior
.
On the one hand, with Change the spelling
behaviour
development
of technology Correct article usage
the development
TV
is considered as
one of Change preposition
apply
amusing
Correct article usage
the amusing
way
which is Fix the agreement mistake
ways
produced
various types of programs Wrong verb form
produce
due to
fact
that Correct article usage
the fact
entertain
people in every age group. Some programs like series, movies and the news are more Correct subject-verb agreement
entertains
favorable
for Change the spelling
favourable
children
in comparison with specific shows which are created for their ages. While many
of those series Correct word choice
Many
including violence
content and definitely have Replace the word
include violent
effect
on their manner. In Add an article
an effect
this
case, children
imitate the behavior
they Change the spelling
behaviour
seen
on screen and attempt to act like them. Wrong verb form
see
For instance
, if a person yells and swears in a movie, children
learn them and use it
Correct pronoun usage
them
specially
at school.
Replace the word
especially
On the other hand
, TV’s
shows grab Change noun form
TV
children
attention Change noun form
children's
which
they prefer to spend all Correct word choice
and
days
Fix the agreement mistake
day
to watch
them and Change the verb form
watching
this
is the side which I taken
. Spending long hours Add the auxiliary verb
took
have taken
to watch
Change the verb form
watching
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
TV
shows not only influence
their conduct but Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
also
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
negative
effect on their health. Add an article
a negative
Children
should play outside rather that
sit in front of a screen all day which makes them more inactive and Correct word choice
than
weaken
body. Correct subject-verb agreement
weakens
Consequently
, instead
of socialize
with others, Wrong verb form
socialising
play
outside to Wrong verb form
playing
active
their body and Replace the word
activate
focus
on their education, they become addicted to watching Wrong verb form
focusing
TV’s
Change noun form
TV
program
which would be seriously difficult to quit.
In conclusion, Fix the agreement mistake
programs
while
some people think that the content of TV
program impact on their conduct, I suppose that strongly the long amount of time they spend watching TV
would affect their behavior
.Change the spelling
behaviour
Submitted by Pegahghaderi85 on
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Task Achievement
You've provided a good balance discussing both views and your opinion. Ensure your introduction clearly outlines your stance for enhanced task achievement.
Task Achievement
In future essays, try to provide more specific examples to fully support your arguments. This strengthens your task achievement score.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay flows well, but consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance coherence.
Coherence & Cohesion
Check for minor grammatical errors and word choice to improve clarity. For example, "spend sitting to watch TV" could be clearer as "time spent sitting in front of the TV".
Coherence & Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your points. Ensure every paragraph supports your overall argument to maintain a logical structure throughout.
Coherence & Cohesion
Good use of introductory and concluding paragraphs to frame your essay.
Task Achievement
Effective discussion of both views and clear expression of your own opinion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example