Schools should teach children the academic subjects which have a close relationship with their future careers, so other subjects like music and sports are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays
the
education is very important Correct article usage
apply
in
Change preposition
for
children
because they are the future of world
. So, it is important to guide them in the process Add an article
the world
to reach
their careers. Change preposition
of reaching
Then
, to obtain good results schools should identify which are
tastes, abilities Unnecessary verb
apply
ans
skills that Correct your spelling
and
children
have but, in my opinion
that study should only be on high school Add the comma(s)
opinion,
children
.
With the result, schools could search careers
with these characteristics and add academic subjects Change preposition
for careers
about
Change preposition
apply
it
to Correct pronoun usage
apply
schedule
. Correct article usage
the schedule
Thus
, children
will have
Verb problem
be
motivate
to study and it Change the form of the verb
motivated
is
help them Verb problem
will
to
the future. Change preposition
in
However
, I disagree to remove
subjects like music, sports and dance since Change preposition
with removing
this
topics are important to develop other Correct determiner usage
these
abilites
Correct your spelling
abilities
such
as shyness, personality, communication and other ones. In addition
, these activities help to relax, eliminate stress and change the routine in people.
To conclude
, I agree with teach
Change the verb form
teaching
children
academic topics with relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
about
their careers, so it is Change preposition
to
great
help that schools could support Add an article
a great
this
idea. Furthermore
, children
will have more clarity about their future. Not forget
the other subjects that too are very important.Fix the infinitive
to forget
Submitted by [email protected] on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Supporting Examples
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. While you have a clear stance, enriching your essay with vivid anecdotes or research findings could make your argument more compelling.
Paragraphing
Consider dividing your essay into more clearly defined paragraphs, each centered around a unique theme or point. This will enhance the essay's readability and organizational structure.
Linkers
To improve your argument's clarity and impact, you might introduce more sophisticated linking words or phrases. This would help in creating a smoother transition between ideas and points, enhancing the overall coherence of your essay.
Accuracy
Pay attention to spelling, grammar, and punctuation to avoid minor inaccuracies. Although these do not dramatically affect your score, polishing these aspects can make your writing appear more professional and well-thought-out.
Task Response
You have effectively addressed the topic and provided a clear opinion on the subject, which is essential for task achievement.
Language Usage
Your essay reflects a good variety of sentence structures and demonstrates an ability to convey ideas in a generally clear manner, which is commendable.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.