Schools should teach children the academic subjects which have a close relationship with their future careers, so other subjects like music and sports are not important. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education is very important
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
because they are the future of
world
Add an article
the world
show examples
. So, it is important to guide them in the process
to reach
Change preposition
of reaching
show examples
their careers.
Then
, to obtain good results schools should identify which
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
tastes, abilities
ans
Correct your spelling
and
skills that
children
have but, in my
opinion
Add the comma(s)
opinion,
show examples
that study should only be on high school
children
. With the result, schools could search
careers
Change preposition
for careers
show examples
with these characteristics and add academic subjects
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to
schedule
Correct article usage
the schedule
show examples
.
Thus
,
children
will
have
Verb problem
be
show examples
motivate
Change the form of the verb
motivated
show examples
to study and it
is
Verb problem
will
show examples
help them
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
the future.
However
, I disagree
to remove
Change preposition
with removing
show examples
subjects like music, sports and dance since
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
topics are important to develop other
abilites
Correct your spelling
abilities
such
as shyness, personality, communication and other ones.
In addition
, these activities help to relax, eliminate stress and change the routine in people.
To conclude
, I agree with
teach
Change the verb form
teaching
show examples
children
academic topics with
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
their careers, so it is
great
Add an article
a great
show examples
help that schools could support
this
idea.
Furthermore
,
children
will have more clarity about their future. Not
forget
Fix the infinitive
to forget
show examples
the other subjects that too are very important.
Submitted by natalyrau13 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Supporting Examples
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. While you have a clear stance, enriching your essay with vivid anecdotes or research findings could make your argument more compelling.
Paragraphing
Consider dividing your essay into more clearly defined paragraphs, each centered around a unique theme or point. This will enhance the essay's readability and organizational structure.
Linkers
To improve your argument's clarity and impact, you might introduce more sophisticated linking words or phrases. This would help in creating a smoother transition between ideas and points, enhancing the overall coherence of your essay.
Accuracy
Pay attention to spelling, grammar, and punctuation to avoid minor inaccuracies. Although these do not dramatically affect your score, polishing these aspects can make your writing appear more professional and well-thought-out.
Task Response
You have effectively addressed the topic and provided a clear opinion on the subject, which is essential for task achievement.
Language Usage
Your essay reflects a good variety of sentence structures and demonstrates an ability to convey ideas in a generally clear manner, which is commendable.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: