IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In education and employment, some people work harder than others. Why do some people work harder? Is it always a good thing to work hard?

#education #employment #people #work
Nowadays,
people
 try to do their best in their
work
 and
students
also
 study hard for a better future.
People
 mainly
work
 hard to gain more money in workplaces
while
 in schools and universities,
students
 tend to be more educated which can help them in their future academic careers. Despite its benefits working harder for certain goals can increase the risk of some health
problems
. In today's
work
 environment , there are more talented staff than in the past and
this
 creates rivalry among companies.
As a result
, workers try to be more prolific in making new innovations which can support the company's
development
. In education,
however
, children try to learn more about certain subjects because educational facilities have been more difficult and with having less information about subjects,
students
 can fail their exams.
Although
 working hard helps
people
 to hone their minds
as well as
 plays a vital role in their
development
, there are obvious adverse effects to it.
Firstly
, with working in hard conditions,
people
 can be more stressed and it can create health
problems
 related to their minds.
For example
, if
students
 focus only on their education and cannot pass their exams, they will be disappointed and deeply depressed and it can contribute to some health-related diseases.
Secondly
 paying attention mainly to
work
 can worsen
people
's daily life. If
people
 spend more time on their
work
,
this
 can cause
problems
 related to their family.
For instance
, the
development
 of children can be damaged as they cannot get enough support from their parents and
also
this
 can create
problems
 among couples. In conclusion,
while
 working hard to achieve goals is a necessary part of
people
's
development
, it can have adverse effects on their daily life
Submitted by Name_1234 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure a consistent and clear development of ideas throughout the essay. Some points could be further elaborated on for clarity and depth.
coherence cohesion
Using a wider range of connectors and transitional phrases can improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Adding more specific examples and evidence can strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
task achievement
Consider balancing the structure of your essay by dedicating equal attention to both sides of the argument, including the benefits and drawbacks of working hard.
task achievement
You've identified and discussed a relevant and specific issue, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Genetic predisposition
  • Work ethic
  • Upbringing
  • Cultural values
  • Ambitions
  • Motivated
  • Fear of failure
  • Competitive nature
  • Overworking
  • Burnout
  • Stress-related health issues
  • Productivity
  • Quality of life
  • Healthy balance
  • Long-term productivity
What to do next:
Look at other essays: