IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

In many countries, an increase in crime has been blamed on violent images on television and in computer and video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Crime is a rife and serious dilemma. Fast-paced advancements are now one of the factors which take the blame for a violation, as many people claim that more and more brutal scenarios in media occur.
Although
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 it might sound obvious at
first,
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I vehemently disagree with the statement. Criminal actions are primarily caused by economic and social backgrounds.
To begin
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 with, it is explicable why the majority is used to view video games and films as culprits. Violence treatment and rewarding outcomes of a bad affair might build a wrong concept of the justice system. Especially, youth are easily influenced by these images on television,
for instance
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, a serial Money Heist grabbed the attention of an audience for a prolonged period. All around the world teenagers create idols by following those characters.
Also
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, the game industry is mainly dominated by fighting games,
such
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 as Mortal Combat and Tekken, which might spur them to take up experimenting with those tactics in the real world. Despite the fact that rough behaviour is displayed in multimedia, consumers are not stimulated to rob or even commit a homicide. As it was mentioned in the previous paragraph, family environment and financial condition are crucial sources for offenders. Accumulated debts and lack of valid education negatively impact a community.
In addition
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, as researchers present constant physical or sexual abuse in childhood could enhance the percentage of a kid to become an inmate in the future.
Hence
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, it is hard for individuals to break
this
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 vicious cycle and avert the criminal world.
To conclude
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, it is undoubtful that technology takes an essential role in many fields of our lives. But I believe, that in order to tackle the issue of growth in illegal acts, the government would better focus on anti-poverty projects and provide deprived people with proper education rather than accusing the mass media.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Continue to ensure a clear structure in your essays, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This makes your argument easy to follow.
Coherence & Cohesion
In your body paragraphs, focus on developing your main points with more specific examples or data when possible. This strengthens your argument and makes it more persuasive.
Task Achievement
You've done a good job in tackling the task and providing a clear response to the question. However, ensure that every paragraph directly supports your stance on the issue, reinforcing your argument consistently throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding your conclusion with not just a summary of your arguments but also a reflection on the implications of your views or a suggestion for future research or action.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, which aids understanding.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've effectively introduced and concluded your essay, framing your argument well.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your main points are supported and you make an effort to illustrate them with examples, particularly with references to media and societal issues.
Task Achievement
You've successfully addressed the prompt, constructing a comprehensive response that explores the issue in depth.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are clear, and you've used relevant examples to back them up, making your argument more compelling.
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