Many celebrities are famous for their glamour and wealth rather than their contributions. This is a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Undoubtedly, with the rapid development of
Correct article usage
the internetm
internetm
, Correct your spelling
internet
celebrities
are
easily Unnecessary verb
apply
to
share their Fix the infinitive
apply
luxury
lives, and young Replace the word
luxurious
children
following and focusing on celebrities
has been becoming
a trend in their daily lives. Some people look upon Wrong verb form
become
this
phenomenon as a negative influence on young children
, and I hold an identical opinion toward this
statement, which will be thoroughly elaborated on as follows.
Celebrities
are known for their luxurious lifestyle, which could negatively impact children
. That is
, Children
are vulnerable to the influence of celebrities
sharing on TV and social media, and it will let children
mimic and be distracted by this
superficial news. Take myself
Change the pronoun
me
for example
, I was addicted to a Korean youtuber’s
channel when I was in middle school. The YouTuber shared lots of Correct your spelling
YouTuber’s
YouTubers
luxury
bags and brand cosmetics on her channel. To get the same items the Youtuber shared on social media, I took more part-time jobs to purchase a luxury
bag, which I barely use daily. During that period, my school grades were declining. Besides
, I started to get sick quickly because my body could not afford these works.
Continuing to share glamorous lives will spread misconceptions that purchasing a luxury
lifestyle is the life goal. To be more specific, the priority for young children
should be to explore their talents and learn new knowledge rather than spending time on
pursuing fancy clothes or competing Change preposition
apply
fancy
Change preposition
in fancy
shose
and Correct your spelling
shoes
backpack
at school. Fix the agreement mistake
backpacks
For example
, when teenagers are addicted to these superficial items, they will not care about what is happening in the world and do not care about what new technology is created. After few
years, the country will lose talented Correct article usage
a few
workforc
, and it Correct your spelling
workers
has
a horrible impact Wrong verb form
will have
to
the country.
In conclusion, based on the aforementioned, Change preposition
on
celebrities
who known
for Add a missing verb
are known
the
wealth Change the word
their
instead
of their contribution indeed have negative effects to
youth Change preposition
on
due to
spreading misconceptions and concept
to young Fix the agreement mistake
concepts
children
.Submitted by bpcivvian on
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Ensure you check your writing for minor typos and spelling errors, such as 'internetm' which seems to be a typo for 'internet'. This will help in maintaining the overall clarity and professionalism of your essay.
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Consider varying your sentence structures more to add complexity and fluency to your writing. While your essay is generally well-structured, employing a wider range of sentence types can enhance its readability and engagement.
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Task Response
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Task Response
You've done well to include specific examples from personal experience, which strengthens your arguments and makes them more relatable.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical flow of ideas from the introduction, through the body paragraphs, to the conclusion, makes your essay coherent and easy to follow.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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