IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many young people are leaving their homes in rural areas to study or work in the cities. What are the reasons? Do the advantages of this develoment outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #homes #areas #study #work #cities #develoment
One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is that
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
living
Verb problem
leaving
show examples
 their homes in rural areas to study or work in
cities
. It is undeniable that getting education and experience becomes an essential part of our future.
However
, there is no absolute agreement as some people find moving to the
cities
 in terms of development beneficial,
while
 others especially their parents consider everything associated with living hometowns negatively. Surely there are both pros and cons
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 that situation but I believe
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 outweigh
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
. One of the major positives of leaving
countryside
Correct article usage
the countryside
show examples
 is that obviously, there are much more opportunities for personal growth and development in
cities
.
For instance
, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 no
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
qualified colleges or universities to become professional. So, in urban
areas
Add a comma
areas,
show examples
 there are
mane
Correct your spelling
many
show examples
such
 institutions.
Furthermore
, after graduating young people have more convenience
to find
Change preposition
in finding
show examples
 a job and
gain
Wrong verb form
gaining
show examples
 first experience. Another advantage is that
quality
Correct article usage
the quality
show examples
 of infrastructure there is much higher than in small towns. A good example here is medicine.
For instance
, a person who has a toothache can easily make an appointment with a dentist and treat it on the same day. Turning to the other side of the argument, it can lead to the urbanisation problem in
whole
Change the article
the whole
show examples
 country.
Moreover
, there is a risk of devastation of settlements. Yet, it is most likely that young people will return to their native lands after self-development. Taking everything mentioned into account, we can come to
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 conclusion that life in
cities
 gives a lot of opportunities for personal growth , but it can
also
 have consequences that need to be taken into account.
Submitted by dnm.best on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance your essay, try weaving more intricate logical connections between your ideas, ensuring a smoother flow of thought throughout the piece.
Task Achievement
It's beneficial to elaborate on your examples with more detail and depth. This will strengthen your argument and make your points more compelling.
General Advice
Aim to diversify your sentence structures and vocabulary to enrich the linguistic quality of your essay, making it more engaging to read.
Structure
You structured your essay well, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helped in delivering a coherent piece.
Task Response
You tackled both aspects of the question by discussing the advantages and also considering the disadvantages, showing a balanced view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: