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Band 4.5

Some people say that now is the best time in history to be living. What is your opinion? What other time in history would be interesting to live in?

#people #time #history
Some Individuals think that the present period is the ideal time in history for living, but I believe that
this
 time is good. But it's not the best
era
, since It loses many crucial things for growing and raising our children.
Therefore
, I miss the past
days
 before 15 years from now nostalgically.
However
, some people believe those
days
 deserve to be the best
era
 for living. In my opinion, I refuse
this
 notion for many reasons.
First,
although
 these
days
 have rapid advancements
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technology and many facilities which Make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
 easier than before,they are used wrongly.
As a result
, people spend most time surfing the internet and browsing social media applications.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 the children became slaves to the smartphone or electronic devices.
In addition
, most teenagers are obsessed with YouTubers and
tick Tooker's
Correct your spelling
tick-tookers
 more than studying.
Secondly
, there are natural disasters and wars in different places in the present
era
 .
As a result
, there are famines, epidemics and economic recession all over the world.
Therefore
, I miss our
life
 15 years ago daily. because we were living in our Hometown, where the safety, relatives, and neighbours
.
Add a missing verb
were.
show examples
 And they were exchanging visits and congratulations, particularly in ceremonies, Eids, and Ramadan.
For instance
, when the Eids were coming , my siblings and I were gathering in my family's house on the first day of the Eid, to celebrate together. But now people are exchanging
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
congratulations
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 stickers and images through WhatsApp and Facebook.
In addition
, our children were listening to their grandparents' stories, and they were meeting each other every weekend.
Furthermore
, we were feeling emotional and mental stability because we were owners and known in our country but these
days
 we
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 foreigners who rent homes to live in. In conclusion, if individuals search for an easy
life
 and facilities that assist in
life
, they will prefer living in
this
era
.
On the other hand
, if they are looking for ethics,
mental
Correct word choice
and mental
show examples
 and emotional health, they will prefer
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
 before about 2 decades from now.
Submitted by amalalhoury on

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Introduction
Make sure your introduction clearly outlines the points you will be discussing. This helps the reader understand your argument from the beginning.
Coherence
Use a range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly. This could include contrast words (however, on the other hand) and cause-effect connectors (therefore, as a result).
Examples
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. This makes your argument stronger and more persuasive.
Structure
Work on paragraphing and sentence structure to enhance the readability of your essay. Clear and distinct paragraphs for each of your main ideas help in achieving a better structure.
Task Response
You clearly addressed the topic and provided a personal perspective, which is good.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your opinion and why you hold it.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • unprecedented
  • prosperity
  • technological advancements
  • global connectivity
  • longevity
  • opportunities
  • self-expression
  • renaissance
  • exploration
  • industrial revolution
  • roaring twenties
  • unparalleled
  • groundbreaking
  • transformative
  • revolutionary
  • epoch-making
  • flourished
  • transcended
  • innovations
  • distinguished
  • renaissance artists
  • explorers
  • innovative entrepreneurs
  • exhilarating
  • era
  • unforgettable
  • boom
  • vibrant
  • exuberant
  • transformed
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