IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement? You should use your own ideas, knowledge and, experience and support your answer with examples and relevant evidence.

#fatherhood #motherhood #idea #women #babies #children #support #evidence
Nowadays there is a lot of
discussion
Change to a plural noun
discussions
show examples
 that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
only women
have
Verb problem
are
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 responsible for having whether or not
children
 and
also
, they
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 more
responsible
Replace the word
responsibility
show examples
 for taking care of them. In my opinion, I partly agree with
this
 suggestion and I will give some examples in the
bellow
Correct your spelling
below
show examples
 of
this
 essay.
Firstly
, gender inequality still exists in
this
 modern
society
. In
this
 kind of
Fix the agreement mistake
issue
show examples
issues
Add a comma
issues,
show examples
 we can see in the hiring to
job
Add an article
the job
a job
show examples
. Many companies still prefer men for some type of work rather than women.
For example
, when I graduated
university
Change preposition
from university
show examples
 and went to the interview
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the first question of
interviewers
Fix the agreement mistake
interviewer
show examples
 was
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
“When
I
Add a missing verb
am I
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planning to get married?”.
This
one
Add a missing verb
is one
show examples
 of the gender inequalities we have in our Uzbek
society
 and
this
society
 gives more attention and opportunity
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the Manship. So
that is
 why, men
give
Verb problem
put
show examples
 more
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
forces
Fix the agreement mistake
force
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 and they don’t have time for their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
.
I
Correct your spelling
In
show examples
 addition to
this
, the men consist of the breadwinner and
this
 view cannot
be change
Change the verb form
be changed
show examples
 for more time. They have
also
 more duty to breed their family,
but
Correct word choice
apply
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not just their
children
 and spouses but
also
 their parents.
On the other hand
, fatherhood
play
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plays
show examples
vital
Add an article
a vital
show examples
 role in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
developing
Replace the word
development
show examples
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
offspring’s
Change noun form
offspring
show examples
 physically and emotionally. Many researchers have proved that fatherly love is one
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 important aspects
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 healthy family.
Child
Add an article
A child
The child
show examples
 which grows up in healthy conditions
don’t
Change the verb form
doesn’t
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 have social problems.
Besides
this
Add a comma
this,
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 they can easily find
they
Correct your spelling
the
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 spot in the
society
.
For instance
, my cousin’s mother is the second wife.
Father
Correct article usage
The Father
show examples
 of my cousin has
first
Correct article usage
a first
show examples
 family and
children
. He had tried to spend more
his
Change preposition
of his
show examples
 free time with
the
Change the word
his
show examples
 first family, so my cousin
grow
Wrong verb form
grew
show examples
 up in
this
 condition and her character
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
little
Correct article usage
a little
show examples
 difficult. She always wants to be in the
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 of the group and
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 more attention from other people. She became unconfident.
Overall
, fatherhood is
Correct article usage
a vitally
show examples
vitally
Correct article usage
a vitally
show examples
 important
Fix the agreement mistake
aspect
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aspects
Fix the agreement mistake
aspect
show examples
Change preposition
of
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
Correct article usage
a
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
Change noun form
child's
show examples
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 life, so that’s why fathers have to pay more attention
Change preposition
to
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 raising and caring
Change preposition
for their
show examples
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
children
 as
Correct subject-verb agreement
equals
show examples
equal
Correct subject-verb agreement
equals
show examples
Change preposition
to their
show examples
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
 mothers.
Submitted by shani.menglieva.94 on

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Task Response
Expand and clarify your main ideas. While your essay presents a viewpoint and supporting examples, further elaboration on how and why these points support your opinion would strengthen your argument.
Task Response
Avoid ambiguities and be more explicit in explaining your ideas, especially when discussing gender roles and responsibilities. This will help readers understand your perspective better.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve the coherence of your essay by using clearer and more logical transitions between sections. This helps in guiding the reader through your argument in a more structured manner.
Task Response
Ensure a more balanced approach in the final paragraph by fully linking back to the essay question, addressing the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider revising the structure of your essay to have a clearer introduction, body paragraphs with clear main ideas, and a concise conclusion. This structure aids in presenting a coherent argument.
Task Response
You provided specific examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
Task Response
Your essay engages with the topic and shows personal reflection on the issue through the use of personal examples.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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