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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that it’s important to have a lot of money to be happy. To what extent do you agree with this statement? What other things can make you happy?

#people #it’s #money
According to
 some people, an ample amount of wealth is important to lead a happy and successful life.Though there are many other things, on which
happiness
Correct article usage
the happiness
show examples
 of a person depends like love, kindness ,
Correct word choice
and frienship
show examples
frienship
Correct your spelling
friendship
, the major source of happiness for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
kin is still funds in his bank account, and I will discuss
this
 idea in the following paragraphs. First of all,
due to
 paper money the wheel of the world is moving, so Yes, In
this
 materialistic world, If you want to buy something, you need cash. It
also
 brings a
sense
 of
propserity
Correct your spelling
prosperity
 in an individual and creates a
sense
 of respect in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
For example
, Industrialists and Wealthy people
tends
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
 to have greater fame and even their pity matters are
boradcast
Correct your spelling
broadcast
 online. They
also
shares
Change the verb form
share
show examples
 a major chunk of cash in charity,
thus
creates
Wrong verb form
creating
show examples
 a positive impact on others.
Secondly
, Wealthy
Individual
Fix the agreement mistake
Individuals
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 can afford all sorts of extravaganza trips and
creates
Correct subject-verb agreement
create
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 memorable moments which
lasts
Correct subject-verb agreement
last
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 forever.
For example
, My Uncle works tirelessly for his business and we all pity
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
him, but every year he
booked
Wrong verb form
books
show examples
 a lavish vacation trip for his family,
thus
 creating lots of unforgettable memories, which could not be possible
otherwise
.
On the contrary
, it is believed by many that a minimalist approach is better as it turns out to be contended and creates a
sense
 of
hormony
Correct your spelling
harmony
.
Also
, emotions like empathy,
sense
Correct article usage
a sense
show examples
 of respect, friendliness and positive family values can only be preached in
less
Correct article usage
a less
show examples
 money approach. For
exmple
Correct your spelling
example
, in a recent survey, It is observed that the children of
middle class
Add a hyphen
middle-class
show examples
 families have higher moral values and
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 greater respect towards elders and siblings,
then
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
 their following
counterpart
Fix the agreement mistake
counterparts
show examples
.
To conclude
although
 a minimalist approach is gaining ample popularity today, It still can't beat the luxuries of life which are only possible through having
gaint
Correct your spelling
great
 capital.
Submitted by mahambaqai on

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Task Achievement
You have presented a clear position throughout your response, which is good. However, to enhance clarity, consider revising sections where your argument could be made more directly or clearly.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence, try to make smoother transitions between your ideas. Using a wider range of linking words can help your essay flow more naturally.
General
Be mindful of minor spelling and grammatical errors, as they can detract from the clarity of your argument. Proofreading your essay could help identify and rectify these small inaccuracies.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frames your argument.
Task Achievement
You have used relevant examples to support your main points, enhancing the persuasiveness of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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