In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this massage?
It is often argued that anyone who tries will acquire anything that they want. Especially, in some cultures, parents and teachers have told to
children
that if they work hard and have concrete plans they will succeed certainly. Generally speaking, this
message has some pros and cons that in this
essay I will discuss and elucidate my opinion.
Lets
Correct subject-verb agreement
Let
begin
by looking at the advantage. One of the main positive points of encouraging youngsters to gain things that they want is thatCorrect pronoun usage
us begin
,
they attempt hard which leads to some extent being Remove the comma
apply
successful
and Replace the word
success
give
motivation to hone themselves more and more. In fact, the more they are sermonized, the more they achieve.
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
Furthermore
, this
can push children
not only to achieve anything that they want, but also
for
not Change preposition
to
being
lazy and active which Wrong verb form
be
this
makes it possible for Correct pronoun usage
apply
children
to spend time with those who are interested in succeeding, and this
action can have a direct effect on their future. Take children
who goes
to Change the verb form
go
gym
and study with Add an article
the gym
children
who are
stay at home and play video games, explicitly, the first group of Unnecessary verb
apply
children
will gain more than the second.
Turning on the other side of the argument, this
action can be kind
of daydream Correct article usage
a kind
due to
existing
some factors that can be effective, Replace the word
the existence of
such
as affluent parents and nice
culture Correct article usage
a nice
as well as
favouritism on
Change preposition
for
children
future. What’s more, when they encounter reality, it can make youngsters Change noun form
children's
depress
and feel emptiness.
Another issue is that, if they don’t achieve anything that they Wrong verb form
depressed
wanted
, they will be irate Wrong verb form
want
from
their culture and do some bad thing, Change preposition
about
For instance
, they might suicide or leave their hometown and such
staff.
All in all, as can be seen from the points in this
essay, you need to weigh up the positive and negative points. In spite of the fact that,
it is efficient to cultures tell Remove the comma
apply
children
to being
Change the verb form
be
bully
and work hard for life and anything they want, in my opinion, should be Wrong verb form
bullied
to
somewhat Change preposition
apply
otherwise
their expectations will rise which can be harmful.Submitted by hoseinyasemi.ir on
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Task Achievement
Consider adding more concrete examples to strengthen your arguments and make your essay more compelling.
Task Achievement
Your introduction of the topic is clear, but the conclusion could better summarize your argument. Consider restating your main point and why it's important in your conclusion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Be mindful of grammar and spelling mistakes which can distract from your message. Proofreading can help elevate your writing.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a good structure, but sometimes it's not easy to follow. Try to use linking words to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Coherence & Cohesion
To make your essay more persuasive and comprehensive, try to address counterarguments more thoroughly and offer rebuttals to strengthen your own position.
Task Achievement
You've effectively communicated the main advantage and disadvantage, showing an understanding of the essay topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've shown an ability to form a coherent argument and structure your essay in a logical manner, which is commendable.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.