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In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this massage?

#cultures #children #massage
It is often argued that anyone who tries will acquire anything that they want. Especially, in some cultures, parents and teachers have told to
children
 that if they work hard and have concrete plans they will succeed certainly. Generally speaking,
this
 message has some pros and cons that in
this
 essay I will discuss and elucidate my opinion.
Lets
Correct subject-verb agreement
Let
show examples
begin
Correct pronoun usage
us begin
show examples
 by looking at the advantage. One of the main positive points of encouraging youngsters to gain things that they want is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they attempt hard which leads to some extent being
successful
Replace the word
success
show examples
 and
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 motivation to hone themselves more and more. In fact, the more they are sermonized, the more they achieve.
Furthermore
,
this
 can push
children
 not only to achieve anything that they want, but
also
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 not
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 lazy and active which
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
makes it possible for
children
 to spend time with those who are interested in succeeding, and
this
 action can have a direct effect on their future. Take
children
 who
goes
Change the verb form
go
show examples
 to
gym
Add an article
the gym
show examples
 and study with
children
 who
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
stay at home and play video games, explicitly, the first group of
children
 will gain more than the second. Turning on the other side of the argument,
this
 action can be
kind
Correct article usage
a kind
show examples
 of daydream
due to
existing
Replace the word
the existence of
show examples
 some factors that can be effective,
such
 as affluent parents and
nice
Correct article usage
a nice
show examples
 culture
as well as
 favouritism
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 future. What’s more, when they encounter reality, it can make youngsters
depress
Wrong verb form
depressed
show examples
 and feel emptiness. Another issue is that, if they don’t achieve anything that they
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
show examples
, they will be irate
from
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their culture and do some bad thing,
For instance
, they might suicide or leave their hometown and
such
 staff. All in all, as can be seen from the points in
this
 essay, you need to weigh up the positive and negative points. In spite of the fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it is efficient to cultures tell
children
 to
being
Change the verb form
be
show examples
bully
Wrong verb form
bullied
show examples
 and work hard for life and anything they want, in my opinion, should be
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
somewhat
otherwise
 their expectations will rise which can be harmful.
Submitted by hoseinyasemi.ir on

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Task Achievement
Consider adding more concrete examples to strengthen your arguments and make your essay more compelling.
Task Achievement
Your introduction of the topic is clear, but the conclusion could better summarize your argument. Consider restating your main point and why it's important in your conclusion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Be mindful of grammar and spelling mistakes which can distract from your message. Proofreading can help elevate your writing.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a good structure, but sometimes it's not easy to follow. Try to use linking words to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Coherence & Cohesion
To make your essay more persuasive and comprehensive, try to address counterarguments more thoroughly and offer rebuttals to strengthen your own position.
Task Achievement
You've effectively communicated the main advantage and disadvantage, showing an understanding of the essay topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've shown an ability to form a coherent argument and structure your essay in a logical manner, which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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