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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, people's weight has significantly increased, while their levels of health have decreased. What do you think may be the causes of this problem,and what solutions can you suggest to solve them?

#countries #people #weight #levels #health
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In recent years,more and more
people
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 have become overweight and their physical fitness level has declined and it has created great concern among some countries.In my opinion,the major causes of
this
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problem
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is
Change the verb form
are
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 the availability of unhealthy
foods
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as well as
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 technological advancements.To address
this
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problem
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 effectively,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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 governments should raise awareness about the detrimental effects of these
foods
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 and
levying
Wrong verb form
levy
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 high taxes on them. One major factor that causes obesity is that
people
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 eat junk
foods
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 excessively because they are cheaper than healthy ones.
Consequently
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,
people
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,particularly those who have a limited budget are more inclined to consume these unhealthy options.
For example
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,in the USA,the prices of fast
foods
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such
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 as hamburgers and pizza are more accessible than healthy ones in restaurants and
as a result
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,
people
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 tend to purchase these types of
foods
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,which ultimately leads to increased weight among residents.Another primary reason is that as technologies have made residents' lives easier ,they prefer convenience rather than doing physical activities and
consequently
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,it leads to a decrease in their physical fitness.
For instance
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,as public transportation has made it easier for
people
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's
life
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lives
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 to commute short distances ,they use transportation
instead
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 of going for a walk and it results in a decreasing level of fitness. To eradicate
this
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problem
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,there are several effective ways.
Firstly
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, state officials should raise awareness among
people
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 regarding the deleterious effects of these
foods
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 because residents are not aware of the consequences of them and
as a result
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, they consume them excessively.By giving information about its adverse effects,
people
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 can deter from purchasing it and think about second time before eating it.
Furthermore
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,the government should impose high taxes on fast
foods
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,
as a result
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,it can be a deterrent way for consumers
as well as
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 entice them to buy healthy options. All in all,excessive consumption of junk
foods
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 has created great concern among some countries.I believe that it might happen because of
accessibility
Correct article usage
the accessibility
show examples
 of fast
foods
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as well as
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 a tendency for convenience and it is possible to solve
this
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problem
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 by giving information about its negative impacts and putting high taxes on them.
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structure
Ensure a clear and concise thesis statement in your introduction to steer the structure of your essay.
development
Try to develop your ideas more thoroughly by expanding on each point with more detailed examples and explanations.
cohesion
Work on paragraphing to ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all ideas within the paragraph support that main idea.
language
Be mindful of your word choice to ensure clarity and avoid repetition. Utilize a range of vocabulary to express your ideas more effectively.
content
You provided a comprehensive overview of the problem and suggested reasonable solutions.
structure
Your essay has a logical flow that makes it easy to follow your line of reasoning.
examples
You effectively used examples to support your points, which strengthens your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • malnutrition
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • processed foods
  • nutritional value
  • caloric intake
  • physical inactivity
  • metabolic disorders
  • public health policies
  • holistic wellness
  • sustainable eating habits
  • urban planning
  • dietary guidelines
  • exercise regimen
  • preventive measures
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