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Band 4.5

Both governments and individuals are spending vast amounts of money protecting animals and their habitats. This money could be better spent dealing with fundamental issues in society such as poverty and healtheare. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#governments #individuals #amounts #money #animals #habitats #society #poverty #healtheare
Nowadays, more
money
 is appropriated for caring for
animals
 and their wildlife habitat.
However
, in many
counties
Correct your spelling
countries
show examples
, some
people
 have essential issues
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 life. Because they do not have a suitable financial
circumstance
Fix the agreement mistake
circumstances
show examples
. Many of them require a home and earn more
money
. In
this
 essay, I will describe my opinion
in
Change preposition
that
show examples
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
the
government
 should be more considerate about the quality of
people
's lives. In many developed and developing countries, dogs and pets are protected by
people
 and the
government
. It is so important for them to allocate an amount
as
Change preposition
to
show examples
 animal protection in the country’s budget every year. Because some species of
animals
 are endangered, or they are threatened by poachers and hunters.
Therefore
, the
government
 is committed to keeping and caring for all
animals
 and their habitat.
Furthermore
, the conservation of
animals
 worldwide needs too much
money
 which should be covered and paid
by
Change preposition
for by
show examples
 the
government
 and
people
 in these countries.
This
 budget
sometime
Fix the agreement mistake
sometimes
show examples
 is equal to or more than the cost of education in some other countries.
Although
 we must respect and protect
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wildlife and the environment, some men and women in the
world
 do not have any suitable life and minimum
convenient
Replace the word
convenience
show examples
. Unfortunately, some children in the
world
 have been deprived of normal education and home life. In conclusion, these days many
people
 spend a lot of
money
 on their pets and some
animals
.
Also
, they
are organized
Change the verb form
have organized
show examples
 some environmental groups
for protecting
Change preposition
to protect
show examples
 them. In conclusion, there are many humans in our
world
 who need food, home and other facilities. I believe that it is not worth spending
money
 for
animals
 when other
human
Change the wording
humans
show examples
 in the
world
 face
to
Correct your spelling
too
show examples
 many
seriously
Change the adverb
serious
show examples
 problems
Submitted by buyabuya201 on

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Structure
Be more attentive to the structure of your essay. Starting with an introduction that clearly states your thesis, followed by argument development in the body paragraphs, and concluding appropriately can improve your score.
Use of Examples
Expand on your examples to more effectively support your arguments. Providing more specific examples can enhance the persuasiveness of your essay.
Sentence Variety
Work on varying your sentence structures to improve readability and flow. Varied sentence structures can make your essay more engaging.
Grammar and Spelling
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct errors in grammar and spelling. This will enhance the overall quality of your writing.
Topic Understanding
Your essay addresses a complex issue, showing an understanding of the topic.
Clear Stance
You did well in presenting a clear stance on the issue. Keeping a consistent stance throughout the essay is key for coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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