IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as Men in a country's police force or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for this kind of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is whether the role of
women
Use synonyms
 in the army will remain the same, as the current discussion about the army calls into question.
Whereas
Linking Words
 there are people who assert that only men should join the military, I strongly disagree. A woman should be given equal opportunities
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the army, navy,
as well as
Linking Words
 air force wherever men are. They actually become the factors that chase
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in expertise and cognition for armed
forces
Use synonyms
 alongside
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the achievements of a myriad of diverse skills and points of view. There's something within us that allows us to ignore sex as the defining trait for strength.
Firstly
Linking Words
, allowing
women
Use synonyms
 into the military expands the talent pool available to the armed
forces
Use synonyms
. Research has concluded that female competence empowered by technical knowledge and strategic thinking does not differ from their male counterparts. Amidst the age of highly complicated armed conflicts that incorporate intelligence activities, cyber
defense
Change the spelling
defence
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, and supply chains, children's capabilities become a a tremendous resource. In militarization, a larger
overall
Linking Words
 field for selection leads to better
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
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 and
therefore
Linking Words
, mission success achieved.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 bring a different perspective to the table, fostering a more well-rounded military.
Women
Use synonyms
 are likely to be good at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teamwork, communication, and relationship-building, traits that are highly required in a business. These skills are the main ones that characterize the modern military regime, where troops stand in ranks with each other and the task is completed under the command of a single commander.
Women
Use synonyms
 as well can become very important in peace operations and function as emissaries to neutralize the confrontational situation
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 the unique ability to earn local trust. Military units train extensively to build trust and teamwork, regardless of gender. In fact, studies have shown that
women
Use synonyms
 in combat units can boost morale and improve
overall
Linking Words
 performance. In summary, all the information mentioned earlier has factual
evidences
Change the wording
evidence
pieces of evidence
shreds of evidence
show examples
 that
let
Wrong verb form
lets
show examples
 us
into having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 serving in the military which
strong
Replace the word
strengthens
show examples
 the armed
forces
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 different levels
such
Linking Words
 as widening
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
show examples
, making the
forces
Use synonyms
 more balanced and showing the
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 commitment to equality
respectively
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. The moment has come when anachronistic gender notions and the recognition of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
national
security
Change noun form
security's
show examples
 substantial contributions by
women
Use synonyms
 should be missed.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure clarity and precision in conveying ideas. Some sections use complex sentences that may cloud the main argument. Consider simplifying these to maintain clarity throughout.
Coherence and Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of discourse markers to improve the overall flow and connectivity of your essay. While the essay is well structured, using varied connectors could enhance coherence.
Task Achievement
While discussing both views and elaborating on your opinion, try to maintain a balanced discussion. Ensure you are presenting both sides thoroughly before concluding with your viewpoint.
Task Achievement
To further strengthen your arguments, consider including more specific examples and data to support your points. Real-world case studies or statistics can enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've done an excellent job of introducing and concluding your essay, providing a strong framework for your arguments.
Task Achievement
You've shown a clear understanding of the topic and articulated your viewpoint effectively. Your essay demonstrates comprehensive exploration of the subject.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • equality
  • capability
  • inherent
  • high-stress situations
  • diverse perspectives
  • problem-solving
  • decision-making
  • traditional views
  • gender roles
  • inclusive opportunities
  • role models
  • tactical advantages
  • intelligence gathering
  • negotiators
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