Nowadays television and the Internet have a greater influence on children's behavior than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years social media
spreaded
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spread
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out all over the world and in some
cases
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cases,
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it creates a social
dellima
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dilemma
.
While
,
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apply
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some
poeple
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people
believe that
this new phenomena
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this new phenomenon
these new phenomena
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could affect
on
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apply
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childrens
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children's
children
behavoir
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behaviour
more than their parent some
other
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others
show examples
do not accept
this
opinion. In
this
essay
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essay,
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I will
disuss
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discuss
both views and I assert my idea
hence
I believe
childrens
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children
children's
influencity
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influence
is far greater on
TV
and
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
rather than
parents
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on parents
show examples
. First of all, it is obvious nowadays by almost all of us that media have many attractions for everyone including
children
.
Also
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Also,
show examples
there are many celebrities
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who becomes
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becomes
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become
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very well-known
demonstarate
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demonstrate
charming
behavoirs
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behaviours
and pull everyone toward themselves.
This
leads to the fact that most of
beliefs
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the beliefs
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and speeches that
comes
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come
show examples
out of
such
gadgets
makes
Verb problem
have
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more robust effects on
children
. The more
children
influenced
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are influenced
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by media, the less they care about
parents
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parents'
parent's
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protocols.
For
instance
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instance,
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most of
new
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the new
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cultures and lifestyles that
advertised
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are advertised
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in
TV
shows or by other influencers
leads
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lead
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to
change
Wrong verb form
changes
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in the mindset of
children
. Another reason
,
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apply
show examples
could be the
time
that is
dedicated by
children
in
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to
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surfing
internet
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the internet
show examples
or watching
TV
. Obviously, as
time
Add an article
a time
the time
show examples
of using
this
increased more
powerfull
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powerful
effects could
happened
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happen
show examples
.
Moreover
,
sometime
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sometimes
show examples
that
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apply
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children
do not like
thier
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their
parents
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parent's
parents'
show examples
advices
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advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
show examples
maybe use more
time
on
TV
or
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the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
and suddenly they find themselves drawn
in
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into
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another world.
In
addition
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addition,
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their
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
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viewpoint becomes
unfamliliar
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unfamiliar
and unacceptable for them. Take an iranain singer as the most potently example, that he invited young men and women to
using
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use
show examples
drug
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drugs
show examples
and some
inappropriatte
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inappropriate
manners that
becomes
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
very
controversal
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controversial
and
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the same
time
a lot of teenagers
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
his fan
while
his methods
was
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were
show examples
not acceptable
by
Change preposition
to
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anyone all over the world. In short,
TV
and
internet
programms
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programmes
programs
and ideas could readily penetrate into
childrens
Change to a genitive case
children's
show examples
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
and change
traditions
Correct article usage
the traditions
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of every
socierty
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society
. In some
aspect
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aspects
show examples
maybe it was helpful but, having suitable control
on
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over
show examples
it is
neccesary
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necessary
otherwise
, we should
excpect
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expect
maybe some dire consequences and
also
problematic ones.
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task response
You provided a clear stance, but ensure all paragraphs align directly with your main argument without deviating in focus.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more varied sentence structures and transitional phrases to improve flow and coherence.
grammar
Proofread to correct spelling errors (e.g., 'social dilemma,' 'behavior,' 'children's') and grammar mistakes for a more polished essay.
task response
Use more concrete and specific examples to support your arguments, enhancing the relevance and impact.
introduction
Your introduction provides a good overview of the topic and clearly sets the stage for discussion.
balanced argument
You've made an effort to discuss both sides of the argument, which is commendable and necessary for a balanced essay.
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