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Band 4

In some areas of the US, a ‘curfew’ is imposed. In which teenagers are not allowed to be out of doors after a particular time at night unless they are accompanied by an adult. What is your opinion about this?

#areas #‘curfew’ #teenagers #doors #time #night #adult
In some parts of the US, there is a fixed
time
 and
after
this
time
,young people are not permitted to go outside and they can go only with mature people.
While
 I accept that
this
 phenomenon can be beneficial in terms of protecting
teenagers
 ,I believe that
this
 can deprive them of their autonomy. On the one hand,as in recent years,robbing has become a significant issue,
teenagers
 can face
this
 problem when they go outside without any adults.They can be beaten by robbers and even can be killed.
For example
,in many large cities,many young children are killed or beaten and their money
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 taken.
Therefore
,putting a fixed
time
 for all
teenagers
 can be good for their life and if there is a mature person with them ,robbers can deter
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 tendency.
On the other hand
,I believe that levying
curfew
Correct article usage
a curfew
show examples
 can take away children's
independency
Correct your spelling
independence
show examples
, because when they are accompanied by
mature
Add an article
a mature
show examples
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
,they may not do what they want.they can do what adults want,which can result in depriving them of autonomy,ultimately leading to problems
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their mental health.
For example
,since fixed
time
 has
implemented
Add a missing verb
been implemented
show examples
 in
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
, the
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
 cannot do what they want when they go with their adult and
thus
,it has led to
deprivation
Add an article
the deprivation
show examples
 of rights and many mental health concerns. Taking everything into account,
although
 imposing
curfew
Correct article usage
a curfew
show examples
 in some parts of the US can be advantageous for
teenagers
' safety,I am of the opinion that it is important to acknowledge that it can take away children's
independency
Correct your spelling
independence
show examples
.
Submitted by Name_1234 on

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Though your essay effectively addresses the topic, incorporating a broader range of vocabulary and complex sentence structures could further strengthen your argument. Strive for precision in your language,
structure
To enhance coherence, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs. Introduce your points more clearly and provide concluding sentences for each paragraph. This helps in maintaining a logical flow of ideas from one section to another.
examples
Backing up your arguments with more specific examples and evidence would make your essay more persuasive. For instance, mentioning statistical data or specific studies related to the effect of curfews on teenagers' safety and autonomy could add depth to your argument.
balanced argument
You have managed to maintain a good balance in discussing both sides of the argument, which shows your ability to analyze the question from multiple perspectives.
introduction/conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured, providing a clear overview of your stance on the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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