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Writing Samples
Band 5

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the main reason for the growth in overweight people ? How can this problem be solved?

#people #risk #health #reason #growth
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There are many
people
 today who suffer from obesity. There are
aslo
Correct your spelling
also
 many solutions to help these
people
.
This
 essay will examine both the reasons for
this
 problem and the solutions available to address these health issues. There are many reasons for the growth in
overwight
Correct your spelling
overweight
people
 in society . First ,there are many
people
 who
lives
Change the verb form
live
show examples
 in
unhealthy
Add an article
an unhealthy
show examples
 lifestyle.They do not move or do exercise .
In addition
 to replacing
healty
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healthy
foof
Correct your spelling
food
 like
vegetable
Fix the agreement mistake
vegetables
show examples
,
frout
Correct your spelling
fruit
front
 and healthy sources of
protine
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protein
 and oil with frozen
food
 ,
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
 and MG plants.
Wich
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Which
show examples
 leaves us with the second
reson
Correct your spelling
reason
, the
raise
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rise
show examples
 of
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
fast-food
restorants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
 number .
People
 choose to buy cheap and fast
food
 from fast
food
restorants
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restaurants
.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
theese
Correct your spelling
these
 meals are very bad for our body .It makes us
unactive
Correct your spelling
inactive
show examples
 and lazy .
Due to
 that, we end up fat and over
wighted
Correct your spelling
weighted
weight
.
Finally
, in many jobs ,
Correct article usage
the govenmet
show examples
govenmet
Correct your spelling
government
governments
 replace human
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 with computers and robots . In many
companies
Add a comma
companies,
show examples
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
show examples
 work in
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 homes .
Therefor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
 robots can work in the company. We can solve all these problems by
follow
Change the verb form
following
show examples
 these decisions.First,
people
shoud
Correct your spelling
should
astablish
Correct your spelling
establish
 more healthy
food
restorants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
.There are many small local shops that
sale
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sell
show examples
 healthy
food
.
Such
 as healthy pizza ,
fruits
Change the noun form
fruit
show examples
 cake and vegetable juices .That
well
Correct your spelling
will
show examples
 really
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 the youth and children .
Second,
people
 should
Correct your spelling
encourage
encorage
Correct your spelling
encourage
 teens and children to play sport and go to the gym , lunch marathons and
compations
Correct your spelling
competitions
companions
. That
well
Correct your spelling
will
show examples
 help to make an active generation .
Finally
 ,
lanch
Correct your spelling
launch
show examples
awarness compaigns
Correct your spelling
awareness campaigns
 in
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
,
streets
Change preposition
on streets
show examples
 and
TV
Change preposition
on TV
show examples
 . About obesity and
overwight
Correct your spelling
overweight
.
Also
 , how can that
effect
Replace the word
affect
show examples
 our life in
Change the article
a negetive
show examples
negetive
Correct your spelling
negative
 way
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
This
 is a serious issue and problem that
shoud
Correct your spelling
should
 be solved .An important subject to
descuse
Correct your spelling
discuss
 with kids and
people
 who do not know.- In conclusion, it is clear to see that there are many reasons responsible for
this
 problem of obesity.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 there are many solutions available. ,
Submitted by alfred on

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Grammar
Try to maintain consistency in your verb tenses throughout the essay. Mixing past and present tenses without clear reason can confuse the reader.
Spelling
Pay close attention to spelling and ensure words are correctly spelled, such as 'overweight', 'fast food', and 'government'. This elevates the readability of your essay.
Structure
Improving paragraph structure can enhance the clarity of your ideas. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, supported by examples or further explanation.
Coherence
Using transitions and connectors more effectively can improve the flow of your essay. Phrases like 'Firstly', 'In addition', and 'Consequently' help guide the reader through your argument.
Content
For a stronger argument, try to provide more specific examples and evidence when explaining causes or solutions to the issue of obesity. This makes your essay more persuasive and informative.
Structure
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame your essay, which aids in the overall structure and clarity.
Understanding
You have clearly outlined both causes and solutions for obesity, which shows a good understanding of the essay prompt.
Ideas
Your essay covers a range of ideas and suggestions, demonstrating your ability to think broadly about the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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