IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that a job provides not only an income but also a social life. Other people think that it is better to develop a social life with people you do not work with. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #job #income #life #work
Although
 some believe that a job not only offers financial stability but
also
 serves as a source of social interaction, others argue that cultivating a social
life
 outside of the
workplace
 is preferable. In my opinion, the ideal approach lies in achieving a healthy balance between both aspects in order to allow individuals to derive social benefits from their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
while
 enjoying a broader range of social interactions outside the workspace. It is believed that building
friendships
 with colleagues in the
workplace
 yields numerous merits in both pay
increase
Fix the agreement mistake
increases
show examples
 and working efficiency improvements.
To begin
 with, cultivating strong relationships with colleagues in a supportive environment enhances collaboration and teamwork so that they are more likely to achieve common goals or contribute to the success of projects when working together.
This
 heightened efficiency and productivity can be recognized by employers, potentially leading to
performance- related
Correct your spelling
performance-related
show examples
 bonuses or salary increments.
In addition
 to the effects on salary increments raised from
such
 relationships, having friends at work increases job satisfaction. Shared laughter, mutual support, and positive exchanges create a more enjoyable
workplace
,
as well as
 reduce stress and foster a nurturing atmosphere, so
friendships
 among colleagues can
also
 act as a catalyst for improved teamwork and conflict resolution. When the network of professional connections expands as coworkers become friends, conflicts are often approached with understanding. In effect, the quality of professional relationships and
overall
 productivity is enhanced.
However
, others believe that building
friendships
 outside the
workplace
also
 offers advantages that contribute to a better-rounded and more fulfilling
life
. The primary benefit is the diversification of one's social circle, which exposes individuals to a broader range of perspectives, interests, and experiences.
That is
, making friends beyond the confines of the office can lead to a richer and more varied set of connections that foster personal growth and resilience.
Additionally
,
friendships
 formed outside of work are often free from the potential conflicts and power dynamics that can arise in a professional setting, creating a more relaxed and genuine atmosphere for social interactions. These external
friendships
 can provide a vital support system, which offers different perspectives on
life
's challenges and benefits emotional well-being.
Therefore
, developing connections beyond the
workplace
 is a catalyst for personal enrichment, and it presents a more comprehensive and adaptable network that positively influences various aspects of one's
life
.
Submitted by haixiuxiaonini on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Introduce more specific, real-life examples to further bolster your arguments. While your ideas are well-organized and relevant, providing concrete examples can significantly enhance your arguments and make them more convincing.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of linking words to increase the coherence and cohesion of your essay. While your essay is well-structured, incorporating a greater diversity of linguistic resources can improve the flow and readability of your writing.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have clearly introduced and concluded your essay, effectively framing your discussion and summarizing your main points and opinion.
Task Achievement
You've done an excellent job of discussing both views comprehensively, providing a balanced analysis and clearly stating your own opinion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure throughout, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point related to the topic. This organization aids in the clarity and effectiveness of your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: