Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
Smartphones
has
become a popular toy for our young generation meanwhile, it has taken most of our children's time which creates a lot of concern. Change the verb form
have
While
some state that it has positive
effect, others argue that it has more shortfalls. In Add an article
a positive
this
essay, I will discuss why youth spend hours on mobile gadgets, at
the same time, Correct word choice
and, at
specifying
why I believe they have drawbacks Wrong verb form
specify
on
the development of young adults.
Change preposition
to
To begin
with, children enjoy playing on smartphone
for various reasons. The popularity of mobile apps attracted the interest of children whereby Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
they
spend most of their Correct pronoun usage
apply
times
on them. Fix the agreement mistake
time
For instance
, TikTok, facebook
and video makers are favourite apps, which students use on a daily basis. Capitalize word
Facebook
Mind blowing
online games Add a hyphen
Mind-blowing
has
increased popularity. PUBG is a mobile game Correct subject-verb agreement
have
where
our Correct word choice
that
youngs
enjoy playing Correct your spelling
young
while
talking to each other at the same time.
Despite all these reasons, sticking to smartphones has a detrimental effect on a child's development. While
spending lengthy hours on smartphone
, current generations tend to Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
loss
their social skills. Replace the word
lose
This
is a consequence of distracted attention from performing normal activities of daily living such
as house chores and outdoor duties. Additionally
, students who are interested on
their mobile phones become less active physically. Most develop obesity and become physically unfit.
In conclusion, attractive mobile apps and games Change the preposition
in
causes
Change the verb form
cause
prolong
usage of phones by youth. I believe Wrong verb form
prolonged
this
produces diminishing
effect on them through loss of social activity and negative health impact.Add an article
a diminishing
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Grammar
Be sure to proofread your essay to correct small grammatical mistakes, such as subject-verb agreement ('Smartphones has' should be 'Smartphones have').
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance the cohesion of your essay, consider using a wider variety of linking words to smoothly transition between ideas.
Task Achievement
While your examples are relevant, you can improve by adding more specific details or statistics to strengthen your arguments.
Content
Your essay provides a balanced view on the topic, effectively discussing both sides of the argument.
Structure
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your essay nicely.
Examples
Good use of examples such as TikTok, Facebook, and PUBG to support your points.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite