IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays both men and women spend a lot of money on beauty care than ever before. What may be the primary reason for this? Is this positive or negative development?

#men #women #money #beauty #care #reason #development
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The demand to beautify
appearance
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 has quite prevalent
that
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and
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 prompts both men and women to apportion a significant amount of their earnings to buy
beauty
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care
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products
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,
which
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This
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 is caused by a changing
trend
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 in defining
beauty
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,
and
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apply
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from my
perspective
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perspective,
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this
Linking Words
 situation can lead to a negative development since there is a likelihood
people
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 will have less self-confidence. The primary reason for
this
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trend
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 is a shifting definition of
beautiful
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beauty
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. It can be seen that these days,
people
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 categorise someone as a beautiful person not just solely on their personal
characteristic
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characteristics
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 but
also
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 their physical
appearance
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, foreshortening the definition of
beauty
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 itself.
Hence
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, it eventually
make
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makes
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people
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 compete
each
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with each
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 other to beautify their physical attributes by applying
skincares
Correct your spelling
skincare
 or
make-ups
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make-up
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, resulting in their willingness to allocate a massive amount of
expenditures
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expenditure
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 to purchase those
products
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. It can be seen through the phenomenon among Indonesian youths who are used to
praise
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praising
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 their friends
beautiful
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as beautiful
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, simply because they possess certain characteristics
such
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 as
generous
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being generous
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 or kind.
However
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, these days it is evident that they easily compliment someone as a beautiful person because they wear
make-ups
Correct your spelling
makeup
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 to cover their acne scars. Even though the massive
purchasement
Correct your spelling
purchase
 of
beauty
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care
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products
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 can help
people
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to
Verb problem
apply
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improve their physical
appearance
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 in order to easily get social appraisals from others;
however
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, I see
this
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 situation can bring negative developments. It is because it can make youths
loss
Replace the word
lose
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 their self-confidence. A study from
University
Correct article usage
the University
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 of Indonesia has shown that when females are asked to not wear any make-up to
schools
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school
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, and rate their confidence levels in a five-rating scale survey, almost all of them give
score
Correct article usage
a score
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2
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of 2
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, which means they are not confident if do not wear them.
Thus
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, it can be argued that the
trend
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 of spending a lot of money
in
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on
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beauty
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care
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products
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 is subliminally lowering
people
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’s confidence
toward
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in
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 their own
appearance
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. In conclusion, these days it is prevalent to see both men and women allocate a remarkable budget to purchase
beauty
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care
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products
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due to
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 a changing
trend
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 in defining
beautiful
Replace the word
beauty
show examples
. Regarding that phenomenon, I see that can bring a negative development, which specifically can make
people
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 lower their confidence levels.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Strategy
Engage fully with all parts of the task, ensuring a balanced argument with well-developed ideas throughout.
Content
Incorporate specific, relevant examples to support your arguments. Real-world examples add depth and credibility to your points.
Language Usage
Use varied, complex sentence structures while ensuring clarity and coherence. This will enrich your essay and demonstrate a high level of English proficiency.
Accuracy
Review your work for slight inaccuracies or typos that could be easily corrected with proofreading.
Task Response
The essay provides a clear response to the question, maintaining focus on the topic throughout.
Coherence & Cohesion
You demonstrated effective organization and logical sequencing of ideas, which greatly enhances readability.
Effective Conclusion
The conclusion clearly summarizes the argument, effectively reinforcing your stance on the issue.
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