IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar graphs illustrate the proportion of who watched reality and game shows in men and women and 16-24, 25-34, 35-44 and 45+ age groups in Australia.

The bar graphs illustrate the proportion of who watched reality and game shows in men and women and 16-24, 25-34, 35-44 and 45+ age groups in Australia.
#bar #graphs #proportion #reality #game #men #women #age #groups #australia
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The bar charts show
percentage
Add an article
the percentage
show examples
 of those who watch
reality
Use synonyms
 and game shows based on their genders, categorized into four different
age
Use synonyms
 groups in Australia.
Overall
Linking Words
,
It is clear that
Linking Words
 females watch shows more than men, especially when it comes to
reality
Use synonyms
 shows,
whereas
Linking Words
 males
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
prefer games to watch.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the popularity of both game and
reality
Use synonyms
 shows
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 nearly the same for those who are over 45 years old in Australia. looking at the first bar chart, 70
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of women do watch
reality
Use synonyms
 shows,
while
Linking Words
 only about 35
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of men watch these kinds of programs.
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 we can see
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 slight upward trend for
reality
Use synonyms
 shows as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people grew older from about 52
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in the first
group
Use synonyms
 to nearly 70
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in the
last
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
. The second bar chart is about the popularity of game shows. The percentage of males and females watching
this
Linking Words
 type of
programs
Fix the agreement mistake
program
show examples
 is about 62 and 59
percent
Use synonyms
 respectively. When we look at the
age
Use synonyms
 groups, the popularity dips from 52
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 to 38
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in the second
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
. After
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 it follows a steady state and surges to 70
percent
Use synonyms
 in the
last
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by bakhti on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words reality, age, percent, group with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 8 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: