IELTS Writing Samples by topic In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

In some communities, kids
some time
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sometimes
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receive the message that if they work hard enough, they can get anything they want. In my opinion,
this
trend
have
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has
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both benefits and drawbacks. On the one hand, there
is
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are
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a number of benefits when kids receive
message
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messages
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like
this
.
Firstly
, it would help them
enhances
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enhance
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motivation and determination when trying
some
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apply
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things new because they can set ambitious goals and put effort
to achieve
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into achieving
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it
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them
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.
Secondly
, It promotes a growth mindset,
therefore
, when they face
with
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apply
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challenges, they will think
that
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there is
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is
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are
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opportunities for growth and development. My younger cousin is
example
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an example
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of
this
,
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apply
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when he
need
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needs
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a band 7.0 IELTS score in 6 months
for
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to
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study
adroad
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abroad
, he
spend
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spent
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all his time to achieve that and now
have
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has
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a ticket going to Denmark as
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an intership
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intership
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internship
student.
On the other hand
, there are several major drawbacks related to
this
trend and the main negative effect is children may create unrealistic expectations. They would continue to do things that
maybe
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may
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not
suitable
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be suitable
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for
they
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their
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skills,
knowledges
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knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
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and
their
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apply
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reality, which may make them
frustration
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frustrated
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,
depression
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depressed
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and
isolation
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isolated
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when they can not achieve it.
For example
, many students in Korea decide to
suicided
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suicide
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when they score under their
expectation
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expectations
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.
Additionally
, It would
really
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be really
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bad for them when their
knowledges
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knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
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are
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is
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lacking, it may be easy for
someones
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someone
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use
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to use
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them for bad things like shoplifting or drug
seller
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selling
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which would bring their life going to jail. In conclusion, in my opinion, giving some
advices
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advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
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like
this
has both
benifical
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beneficial
and detrimental effects
for
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on
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kids.
Submitted by huynhvinhthai236 on

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coherence
Aim to have a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to enhance clarity.
coherence
Organize your essay more effectively by ensuring your examples directly support your main points.
task achievement
Strive to maintain a balanced view by discussing each side of the argument more equally.
cohesion
Be mindful of using a broader range of linking words to improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Work on using a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammar and punctuation. Small errors can impact the clarity of your arguments.
cohesion
You provided examples to support your ideas, which strengthens your argument.
task achievement
You attempted to discuss both advantages and disadvantages, fulfilling the prompt requirements.
coherence
Your essay reflects a good attempt to structure your thoughts logically.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • fosters resilience
  • copious failures and setbacks
  • growth mindset
  • self-efficacy
  • ambitious goals
  • inevitable limitations
  • excessive pressure
  • burnout
  • inadvertently devalue
  • natural aptitudes
  • societal measures of success
  • decreased self-esteem
What to do next:
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