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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show that students in high school want to become when they grow up. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show that students in high school want to become when they grow up. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #students #school #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The given two charts illustrate which occupations
for
Change preposition
apply
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secondary school
students
Use synonyms
 want to have in the
future
Use synonyms
according to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
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gender.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clearly seen that it is different what they want to become in the
future
Use synonyms
 between boys and girls.
While
Linking Words
 the highest percentage of male
students
Use synonyms
 want to become a doctor
of
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32%, 24% of female
students
Use synonyms
, which accounted for the highest on the chart, want to be a
teacher
Use synonyms
 when they become adults. In detail, the most popular
jobs
Use synonyms
 among male
students
Use synonyms
is
Verb problem
apply
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a doctor,
an
Correct article usage
apply
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athlete and
a
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apply
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dentist. The total number of these top three occupations is 70%.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, 12% of male
students
Use synonyms
 want to be a lawyer and the percentage of
students
Use synonyms
 who want to get a job
for
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as
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 a professor is 9%.
Except
Add the preposition
Except for
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 these
jobs
Use synonyms
, few
students
Use synonyms
 want to be a
teacher
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 and
other
Correct pronoun usage
others
show examples
, which consist of under 10%. Turning to the figure for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, the most
preference
Replace the word
preferred
show examples
jobs
Use synonyms
 for female
students
Use synonyms
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a
Use synonyms
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
, a dentist, and a lawyer. A small percentage of male
students
Use synonyms
 want to become a
teacher
Use synonyms
 in the
future
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 many girls,
in
Change preposition
apply
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which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 take up 24% of the chart, are eager to become a
teacher
Use synonyms
 in the near
future
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the second preference of
future
Use synonyms
jobs
Use synonyms
 for male
students
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 an athlete,
while
Linking Words
 a small proportion of female high school
students
Use synonyms
 want to be an athlete: 5%.
Submitted by dmdql2708 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, future, teacher, jobs with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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