The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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There's a serious situation in
western
Capitalize word
Western

The word western should be capitalized in this context.

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society that the percentage of overweight
children
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

has increased by almost 20% in the
last
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

ten years. Because of that great number, more and more people start to
fucus
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focus

The word fucus doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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on
this
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topic. A lot of reasons can lead to
this
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circumstance.
For example
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, the bad eating habits. Many
children
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

from
western
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Western

The word western should be capitalized in this context.

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coutries
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countries

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are
get
Wrong verb form
getting

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb get. Consider changing it.

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used to eating junk food.
Those
Correct determiner usage
This

It seems that determiner use may be incorrect here.

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junk food will accelerate the process of getting fat.
Besides
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

that, with modern technology sharply developing, more and more kids may choose to
playing
Wrong verb form
play

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb playing. Consider changing it.

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video games
instead
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of going out for sports. Those unhealthy habits can cause a
lot
Add the preposition
lot of

It appears that you are missing a preposition after a lot. Consider adding a preposition.

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fat.
Moreover
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, the lack of education can
also
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cause that
probelm
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problem

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. Without an awareness of the importance of keeping a healthy lifestyle, those
children
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will never pay attention to their overweight, unless somebody
remind
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reminds

It appears that the indefinite pronoun somebody does not agree with the verb remind in your sentence. Consider changing the form of the verb.

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them. What's more, a lack of sleep can
also
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lead to the gain of weight. So what are the effects of being overweight?
Firstly
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, it is certain that higher risks of getting serious health problems will
exsist
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exist

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. Too fat means there will be a lot of fat around his or her blood
vessel
Fix the agreement mistake
vessels

It seems that vessel may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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, which will press and
then
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lead to heart disease.
Secondly
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, it will harm mental health, too. Those people who are overweight will more easily
to
Fix the infinitive
apply

It seems that the use of particle to may be incorrect here.

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get depression or anxiety, and their self-confidence will be much lower than others. Those psychological
problem
Change the determiner
problems

It appears that the plural demonstrative Those is modifying the singular noun problem. Consider using a singular demonstrative or a plural noun instead.

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are serious, as we all know.
Moreover
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight

It seems that you are missing a verb. Consider adding it.

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can link to the
satisfacation
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satisfaction

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of sleeping.
While
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breathing during sleep, those who are too fat will be much more difficult and cause more health problems. In conclusion, getting fat can
be prevent
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be prevented

It appears that the form of the verb prevent does not work with be in this sentence.

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, and should
be prevent
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be prevented

It appears that the form of the verb prevent does not work with be in this sentence.

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due to
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those harms. We need to pay more attention to
this
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

issue and help those
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

to have a much more
normaland
Correct your spelling
normal

If you don’t want normaland to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

healthy life, like others. Government, schools and families all need to do something effective to influence western kids.

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Structure
Consider structuring your essay more clearly by separating it into distinct paragraphs for introduction, causes, effects, and conclusion to improve readability and organization.
Supporting Examples
Try to enrich your essay with more specific examples or data to support your points, which will strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
Language Usage
Be vigilant about grammar and vocabulary usage to ensure clarity and precision in your expression.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses both the causes and effects of the issue, maintaining a good balance in discussing both aspects of the prompt.
Language Use
You effectively use a range of vocabulary to discuss the topic, which enriches your essay and keeps it engaging.
Conclusion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes the discussion and reinforces the seriousness of the issue, which effectively rounds off the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
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