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Band 5

Many young children have unsupervised access to the internet and are using the internet to socialize with others. What problems do children face when going online without parental supervision? How can these problems be solved?

#children #access #internet #face #supervision
In the modern era, many parents have no control over the content that their children may encounter on the
internet
.
This
 can cause a lot of difficulties both for the young children and their families which can be tackled by some fundamental changes that I'm going to explain in the rest of
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, the unsupervised
internet
 can create a variety of mental difficulties for children. Some hackers and individuals who want to make money, encourage
prople
Correct your spelling
people
 with no experience to do
anappropriate
Correct your spelling
inappropriate
an appropriate
 or illegal things.
In other words
, they brainwash the youth to help them make money and make them their soldiers, indeed. In 2020,
for example
, a guy created an application called "The Blue Whale" which abused
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers
and
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apply
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encouraged them to commit
suicides
Fix the agreement mistake
suicide
show examples
 and took the lives of thousands of individuals.
Additionally
, young members of society can be exposed to an abundance of videos and pictures which are made for adults.
Hence
, it can emotionally influence them and even lead to depression. There are inordinate ways to address the
cosequences
Correct your spelling
consequences
 of
this
isue
Correct your spelling
issue
site
.
Firstly
, parents should always supervise their underage kids
while
 using the
internet
 and don't let them have social media accounts.
Secondly
, governments should
also
 adopt some stringent rules about underage access to the
internet
 and restrict their access and limit their connection to some appropriate
contents
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content
show examples
 and some periods that their parents determine.
For instance
, the Chinese
governemt
Correct your spelling
government
 has obligated Google to have
safe
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a safe
show examples
 search mode on every device sold to teenagers.
Thirdly
, governments should promote the right
behaviors
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behaviours
show examples
in
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on
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 the
internet
 among teenagers and tell them to not trust anybody
in
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on
show examples
 social media. Unlimited access
of
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to
show examples
 young members of the community has caused tons of challenges which can not be solved unless governments and people cooperate and make a safer environment for them.
Submitted by yasinisback8 on

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task achievement
Make sure to directly address both questions posed in the prompt in separate paragraphs. Your essay does introduce the problems and solutions, but a more explicit separation can enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. While your essay presents ideas sequentially, more sophisticated connectors could strengthen coherence.
task achievement
Be cautious of typographical and grammatical errors. While these do not heavily impact your score here, consistent accuracy could elevate the overall clarity and professionalism of your writing.
task achievement
Consider expanding on your examples with more details or introducing a wider range of evidence to support your points. This can enrich your argument and make your stance more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly structured, framing the essay's argument effectively.
task achievement
You provided a real-world example ("The Blue Whale" app) which helps to demonstrate the seriousness of the issue.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • unsupervised access
  • parental supervision
  • inappropriate content
  • online bullying
  • harassment
  • strangers
  • mental health
  • well-being
  • addiction
  • privacy
  • security
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