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Band 3.5

People are now living much longer lives than before and many feel we should remain in the workforce for longer. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #lives #workforce
Individuals
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a longer lifespan which
implise
Correct your spelling
implies
 that people should work more. It is believed by many that
duration
Correct article usage
the duration
show examples
 of a
person
's life is increasing. So, It is said that
retirement
 should be delayed. I do not agree with the statement.
Following
Change the article
The following
show examples
 essay will explain
Impact
Correct article usage
the Impact
show examples
 of Industrialization on human health and
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
 impact.
Furthermore
, the essay will explain
Need
Correct article usage
the Need
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 early
retirement
 in today's time. Industries were set up to make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human life easy,
to
Correct word choice
and to
show examples
 make the world a better place but, we are witnessing the exact opposite of what we expected. These big companies brought many types of
polution
Correct your spelling
pollution
 with
itself
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
Main
Correct article usage
The main
show examples
 types of
polutions
Correct your spelling
pollutions
pollution
solutions
 which affected human health
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 water and air
polution
Correct your spelling
pollution
.
This
contaiminated
Correct your spelling
contaminated
 air and water gave rise to many new
deaseas
Correct your spelling
diseases
 which were never seen before.
For example
: Malaria which never existed before industrialization.
Moreover
, if we study the environment and compare it with the old times. It is quite clear that there is a high rise of toxic substances, which is
inturn
Correct your spelling
in turn
show examples
 resulting in
shorting
Correct your spelling
shortening
show examples
 of
lifespan
Add an article
the lifespan
show examples
 of a
person
. A
person
 usually retires
as
Change preposition
at
show examples
 sixty years of age. Every
person
 is affected by
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
, there are very few who are surviving till sixty
nowdays
Correct the word
nowadays
show examples
. It should be kept in mind that the situation is changing and with changing situation early
retirement
 should be brought forward. It concluded that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
Add an article
the
show examples
environment has been degrading day by day
instead
 of prolonging the
work force
Correct your spelling
workforce
show examples
, early
retirement
 should be promoted.
Submitted by hariom1996parihar on

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introduction
Make sure your introduction clearly outlines your viewpoint on the topic. Your opening could be strengthened by directly addressing the prompt with a clear statement of agreement or disagreement.
content relevance
Clarify and directly link your main points to the essay topic, ensuring relevance to the question of longer working lives due to increased lifespan.
evidence support
Include more specific examples or data to support your arguments. This can enhance the persuasiveness and depth of your essay.
structure coherence
Work on the structural flow of your essay. Use clear paragraphing to distinguish between different points and use cohesive devices to better connect ideas.
conclusion
Revisit the essay conclusion to ensure it summarizes your viewpoints clearly and directly addresses the prompt.
critical thinking
You've engaged with a complex topic and presented an alternative perspective on retirement and lifespan, which shows an ability to think critically.
originality
Your exploration of the negative impacts of industrialization on health is a unique angle on the topic, demonstrating original thinking.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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