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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the amount of time that 10 to 15-year-olds spend chatting on the Internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK.

The chart below shows the amount of time that 10 to 15-year-olds spend chatting on the Internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK.
#amount #time #internet #games #consoles #school #uk
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The bar graph illustrates how much
time
Use synonyms
 children between 10 to 15 years old spend chatting on the Internet and playing video
games
Use synonyms
 on
gadgests
Correct your spelling
gadgets
 on an average school day in the UK.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that
boys
Use synonyms
 on average spend more
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing
games
Use synonyms
 than
girls
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
,
girls
Use synonyms
 devote more
time
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 chatting than
boys
Use synonyms
. Regarding online chatting, nearly two-thirds of
girls
Use synonyms
 use their tools for chatting
while
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 figure stands at around 55% for
boys
Use synonyms
.
furthermore
Linking Words
, the vast majority of both genders spend 1-3 hours
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 it, about 25% and 35% for
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
 respectively.
Aprroximately
Correct your spelling
Approximately
 a quarter of both
genders
Change noun form
gender's
genders'
show examples
 chatting
time
Use synonyms
 is less than an hour. A mere 5
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
boys
Use synonyms
 stand in the 4 hours plus range and for
girls
Use synonyms
 it
around
Add a missing verb
is around
show examples
 4% higher than that. In terms of playing video
Use synonyms
games
Change the noun form
game
show examples
 devices, A huge gap
among
Change preposition
between
show examples
 genders in
notabale
Correct your spelling
notable
.
While
Linking Words
 85% of guys play video
games
Use synonyms
 daily on
averagem
Correct your spelling
average
, just above half of the
girls
Use synonyms
 do so. For
higher
Add an article
the higher
a higher
show examples
 proportion of
Use synonyms
boys
Add a comma
boys,
show examples
 the
time
Use synonyms
 spent stands in
1
Correct article usage
the 1
show examples
-3 range whilst it is less than an hour for the other gender.
Submitted by soroush.nezami on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, games, boys, girls with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "stands" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • adolescents
  • chatting online
  • games consoles
  • average school day
  • time allocation
  • social interaction
  • gaming habits
  • internet usage
  • preference
  • daily patterns
  • peak times
  • weekdays
  • weekends
  • gender differences
  • trends
  • implications
  • social skills
  • physical health
  • academic performance
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