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Band 4.5

some countries university students live at home with their family while they study, whereas in other countries students attend university in another city. Do you think the benefits of living away from home during university outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #university #students #home #study #city
In some countries,
students
 choose to study in the local area,
while
 in other countries the situation is
the
Change the article
apply
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different. Living far from home may influence their academic performance negatively,
I
Correct word choice
but I
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believe
journey
Correct article usage
a journey
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 can help them a lot On the one hand, people who study far away have many choices when choosing universities.
This
 helps these
students
 promote
in
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apply
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their careers, as they can pick the right college and major that aligns with their career path directly.
For instance
, a student who majors in medical science
have
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has
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 to possess a higher likelihood of becoming a doctor than one who holds a financial degree.
Furthermore
, the more choices mean the more opportunities in the future.
On the other hand
, these
students
 have to engage in daily activities independently, including making meals, washing clothes and tidying their rooms.
That is
 why, their life experience is enlarged rapidly.
Moreover
, studying
further
 away enhances their ability to deal with unexpected events calmly,
such
 as electric or water shutdowns. Unfortunately, people studying in another city tend to suffer from some problems. For some young generations, their homesick feeling is too heavy to concentrate on their courses, leading to low scores. The other
issues
Fix the agreement mistake
issue
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 may
run
Wrong verb form
be running
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 out of
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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energy
in
Change preposition
for
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 housework.
For example
, spending 2 hours on the bus in order to purchase some necessary things. In conclusion, the
students
 who leave their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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 for education
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 get
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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better job opportunities and a sense of independence, as long as they manage their energy reasonably.
Submitted by Name_1234 on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your arguments, enhancing the relevance and effectiveness of your points.
coherence cohesion
Make sure the introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the essay's main points and your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Improve the essay's structure by better connecting your ideas and paragraphs with transitional words and phrases, making your argumentation more fluent and easy to follow.
task achievement
You've effectively addressed both the benefits and challenges of studying away from home, making your essay balanced.
coherence cohesion
Your essay shows good use of varied vocabulary relevant to the topic, contributing to clear expression of ideas.
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