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Band 5

Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree

#parents #children
In
modern
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the modern
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world
Add a comma
world,
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 a discussion of
necessity
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the necessity
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 for parents of
overweighted
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overweight
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 kids to be legally restricted
become
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becomes
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 a problem.
This
 essay agrees with the previous statement because of the fact that obese children's weight leads to poor health
condition
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conditions
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 and bullying at
the
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apply
show examples
school.
To begin
 with, the great majority of
the
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apply
show examples
young people with
excesieve
Correct your spelling
excessive
 pounds struggle with
hormanal
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hormonal
imbalance
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imbalances
show examples
 and different diseases.
Firstly
, there is an existing medical fact that a lot of
illnesess
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illnesses
 can be prevented by
an
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a
show examples
nutrishious
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nutritious
 diet and regular
exercises
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exercise
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.
Also
 eating habits are
forming
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formed
show examples
 in
a
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apply
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childhood and for adults it is harder to change the way they used to eat to avoid any
of
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apply
show examples
harmfull
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harmful
 followings in the future.
For instance
,
USA
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the USA
show examples
have
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has
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 a common problem of
an
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apply
show examples
obesity and the huge
persent
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per cent
 of those people
suffering
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suffer
show examples
with
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from
show examples
a
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apply
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diabetus
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diabetes
diabetic
 and
a
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apply
show examples
heart failure. Another reason to control these parents is
mental
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the mental
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 issues of a kid caused by
bulling
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bullying
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. It's not a secret that students can be very violent to their peers who do not match beauty standards.
Furthermore
, even adults often shame
childrens
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children
show examples
 for their
appearence
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appearance
. All these factors are forcing young people to hate themselves and
evolving
Verb problem
develop
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 low self-esteem.
For example
, in
korean
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Korean
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 schools
bulling
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bullying
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 is a problem of enormous size, many teenagers nowadays are refusing to attend classes and
struggles
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struggle
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 with severe depression.
To conclude
, it is needed to mention that parents of fat kids should be controlled by
government
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the government
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.
Or in
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In
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 a bad
case
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case,
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 their children's health will be in danger and they will meet
agression
Correct your spelling
aggression
 from the world.
Submitted by sofakruglova2002 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structure to enhance readability and flow.
task achievement
Include a broader range of vocabulary to better express your arguments and make your essay more engaging.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your paragraphs are well-organized, each starting with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting information.
task achievement
Try to clearly state your position in the introduction and restate it in the conclusion for a stronger argumentative impact.
coherence cohesion
You effectively structured your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant examples and reasons supporting your viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
The topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph clearly indicate the main point you will discuss.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • genetics
  • socio-economic status
  • nutritional education
  • physical activity programs
  • adverse effects
  • mental health issues
  • responsibility sharing
  • implementation
  • privileged families
  • supportive environment
  • lifestyle changes
  • educational campaigns
What to do next:
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