Nowadays, we are living on an earth where technology is well-developed and it brings huge changes in the lifestyle of young people they spend most of their time in the range of internet games and watching various TV programs.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, we are living on an earth where technology is well-developed and it brings huge changes in the lifestyle of young people they spend most of their
time
in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
range of internet
games
and watching various TV programs. From my point of view, it has a detrimental effect on their health
as well as
upbringing. At the present
time
, many
children
learn various subjects that explore even more other things in the future. They study a lot and need free
time
to relax and unwind to stay healthy.
Therefore
, they want to play
games
like the other
children
and watch TV shows in their free
time
and it helps them to get the information the most easily.
In addition
, one of the new technologies is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
mobile phone, nowadays it is very popular among
children
and it is convenient for them to bring it everywhere. Many
children
prefer to use it rather than book it has any kind of features which helps them to get many pieces of information easily. Because, bringing books is not comfortable,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the telephone is very easy to bring anywhere and they can search for all kinds of information via
Internet
Add an article
the Internet
show examples
.
However
, despite the beneficial aspects, there are
also
drawbacks. Some
children
spend most of their
time
on gadgets like phones, laptops and televisions. They are very harmful to their health. All of them have the noxious effects of strong screen light and it can affect
bad
Change the adjective
badly
show examples
to their eyes. When they watch more TV or laptop, their eyes get tired from the bright light of the screen.
Furthermore
, young individuals can watch bad videos that are hazardous to their upbringing and education, because these videos will have bad effects and
children
will not be able to stop watching
such
videos.
As a result
, they will become uninterested in learning and will not concentrate on their studies.
For instance
, numerous young individuals became slaves to bad
games
and it was difficult for them to get tired of
such
games
because
such
games
deceived
children
and began to control them. the managers of the game gave various bad tasks for the
children
to do and
subsequently
,
this
did not lead to a good ending. In conclusion,
although
it brings many changes that have both positive and negative impacts on the life of kids I think the weightage of drawbacks is more than the pros.
Submitted by ieltsielts81 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures to include more complex forms. This can add variety and sophistication to your writing.
Coherence & Cohesion
Consider organizing your paragraphs more clearly around central ideas, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows logically from the one before.
Task Achievement
It would be beneficial to provide more specific examples and evidence to support your points, particularly in discussing the negative impacts of technology.
General
Pay close attention to your grammar and punctuation to avoid small errors, as improving these can significantly enhance the overall quality of your essay.
Task Achievement
You've done a good job of addressing the topic and presenting a clear viewpoint on the issue.
Coherence & Cohesion
You successfully outlined both the positive and negative aspects of technology's influence, showing an ability to engage with the topic critically.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: