IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behavior both on and off the field can have a negative influence. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #athletes #role #models #behavior #field #influence
Nowadays, some people believe that world-class
athletes
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 an inspiration for
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
generation
whereas
, others debate that their influence can create
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
impact
 on the upcoming
generation
.
However
, I believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
professional
athletes
 will create a positive
impact
 and will be a motivator for them.
To begin
 with,
athletes
 are the most influential people in the society. Their actions will have an enormous
impact
 on the rising
generation
.
Athletes
 are constantly seen
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the headlines of
newspaper
Fix the agreement mistake
newspapers
show examples
 because of their unethical behaviour, consuming drugs and using steroids for their performance improvement, which leads to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 negative influence on the growing
generation
.
Moreover
, their personal
life
 incidents will
also
 have a big
impact
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media where the younger
generation
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 consuming more, in
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
athletes
 are the focus of attraction for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
reporters.
For example
, famous football player Cristiano Ronaldo’s wife
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
was a former
super model
Correct your spelling
supermodel
show examples
 in the fashion industry
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the United States of America, which the reporters portrayed in a wrong way leading to rivalry, debates and unwanted discussions in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media by the younger
generation
.
However
, sports
plays
Change the verb form
play
show examples
 an important role in each and every individual’s
life
particularly
Add the comma(s)
, particularly
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
generation
 Z. The
players
Change to a genitive case
player's
players'
show examples
 behaviour on and off
court
Add an article
the court
show examples
 will influence a way of
life
 and
teaches
Correct subject-verb agreement
teach
show examples
 discipline to the teenagers. They will follow their healthy lifestyle routine,
managing
Wrong verb form
manage
show examples
 work and
life
 in a positive way, and
also
 celebrate their success and failures as their part of lives.
Furthermore
, it will bring friends and family together on an important finale match day by creating a moment of enjoyment,
happiness
Correct word choice
and happiness
show examples
 and
also
 creating core memories in the rising
generation
, which I believe is essential for them. To sum it up, sportspeople's
day-to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 actions will create an optimistic
impressions
Correct the article-noun agreement
impression
show examples
 for the younger
generation
, and
encouraging
Wrong verb form
encourage
show examples
 them to lead a positive and disciplined
life
.
Submitted by divyasp0803 on

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Structure
Try structuring your main points more clearly within your paragraphs. This can help make your arguments more persuasive and easier to follow.
Content
Include more specific examples to support your arguments. While you've provided a general discussion, detailed examples add depth and strength to your points.
Grammar
Watch out for minor grammatical errors and inconsistencies in tense usage. These small mistakes can distract from your overall message, even if they're infrequent.
Cohesion
To further improve coherence, consider transitioning more smoothly between ideas. Using phrases that link sentences and paragraphs can enhance the flow of your essay.
Introduction/Conclusion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your discussion.
Understanding
You've demonstrated a good understanding of the topic by discussing both sides of the argument before giving your own opinion.
Engagement
Your essay reflects a good attempt to engage with the task, offering a balanced view and personal insights, which enriches the discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • role model
  • determination
  • discipline
  • work ethic
  • community service
  • charitable activities
  • poor behavior
  • unsportsmanlike conduct
  • media scrutiny
  • public perception
  • materialism
  • physical and mental health issues
  • impressionable youth
  • high levels
  • pursuing sports
  • positive influence
  • negative influence
What to do next:
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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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