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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

the bar chart shows the number of hours worked per week by men and women in Australia.

the bar chart shows the number of hours worked per week by men and women in Australia.
#bar #hours #week #men #women #australia
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The given bar chart illustrates and compares the distribution of working
hours
Use synonyms
 among
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 in Australia, measured in percentages.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is obvious that Australian
men
Use synonyms
 devote more
hours
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
 to their careers compared to
women
Use synonyms
.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
,
both
Use synonyms
 genders predominantly spend between 30 and 50
hours
Use synonyms
 a
week
Use synonyms
 on employment, which represents the most common range. Equally important, a small proportion of
both
Use synonyms
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 work exceptionally long
hours
Use synonyms
, exceeding 80
hours
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
. On the lower end of the spectrum, less than a fifth of
women
Use synonyms
 work 0 to 10
hours
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the corresponding percentage for
men
Use synonyms
 is slightly lower.
Similarly
Linking Words
, over 20% of
females
Use synonyms
 and around 12% of
males
Use synonyms
 are working in the 10 to 20-hour category.
Conversely
Linking Words
, the disparity becomes more pronounced in the 30- to 50-hour range, where over two-fifths of
men
Use synonyms
 are employed weekly, nearly 8% more than
women
Use synonyms
, who comprise approximately 35%.
This
Linking Words
 range represents the peak working
hours
Use synonyms
 for
both
Use synonyms
 genders. Moving to the higher brackets,
although
Linking Words
 the proportion of
males
Use synonyms
 working 60 to 80
hours
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
 exceeds that of
females
Use synonyms
, the
overall
Linking Words
 percentage declines gradually for
both
Use synonyms
 groups. Specifically, 30% of
men
Use synonyms
 and about 18% of
women
Use synonyms
 fall into
this
Linking Words
 category.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, approximately one in ten
males
Use synonyms
 and
females
Use synonyms
 in Australia work over 80
hours
Use synonyms
 per
week
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by anhtutn034 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, males, females, men, week, women, both with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "represents" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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