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Band 5

Education of young people is highly prioritized in many countries. However, educating adults who cannot write or read is even more important and governments should spend more money on this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#education #people #countries #adults #governments #money
Education is an absolute
neccesity
Correct your spelling
necessity
 for a civilized society. It helps to transfer information between generations in a sophisticated manner using natural language and numbers. The importance of educating youngsters is highly prioritized in many countries to improve their productivity.
However
, educating
adults
 to read or write seems to be ignored. On one hand, governments need to address
this
 issue seriously. The increase in
illiterate
Correct article usage
the illiterate
show examples
 population might reduce the literacy rate of a country.The uneducated
adults
 may
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in physical violence. They have no knowledge of solving an issue via discussion. Educating these people will increase the chances of these citizens to become more social. Socializing might lead to
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
conflcits
Correct your spelling
conflicts
 and low crime rate and
improving
Wrong verb form
improved
show examples
overall
 cohesiveness. The skills they developed can be passed through generations through communication.
This
 might improve the
overall
 productivity.
On the other hand
, these
adults
 have spent their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 without the assistance of language. Reading or
wiriting
Correct your spelling
writing
 might not be a serious matter to them. They have conquered
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 skills for survival. They are not as curious as a child to learn.
However
, regularly being absent
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the sessions
due to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of interest might lead to a
wastage
Replace the word
waste
show examples
 of financial inputs.
This
 could alarm the governments to discontinue these programs.
However
, providing
further
 benefits might impact the budget. Every individual in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society should be able to read and write regardless of age. Governments cannot always expect a positive outcome instantly from training
adults
.
However
,
long-term
Correct article usage
a long-term
show examples
 plan with
minimum
Add an article
a minimum
show examples
 budget could be an experiment that could reap its benefits over the years.
Submitted by onlineconsumer on

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Grammar & Spelling
Be careful with spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'neccesity', 'conflcits', and 'wiriting'. Correct spelling is crucial even if the overall message is clear.
Content Depth
Expand on your arguments with more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your response. You've made several claims, but providing real-world examples or statistical data could make your arguments more convincing.
Tone
Try to maintain a more formal tone throughout your essay. Avoid colloquial expressions that might not be suitable for a formal academic essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use linking phrases more effectively to ensure a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will help improve the coherence and cohesion of your text.
Balanced Argument
You clearly presented both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the importance of adult education alongside the potential challenges it faces.
Structure
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame your essay, giving a clear outline of your argument and summarizing your main points well at the end.
Logical Structure
Your essay is logically structured, with each paragraph focusing on a different aspect of the topic. This helps the reader follow your argument more easily.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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