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Writing Samples
Band 6

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
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Nowadays youths are being stressed to intellectually make life formal or informal,
therefore
, certain individuals have faith that non-formal modules like physical education and cookery must be eliminated from school syllabi to pave the way for educational success. In my own opinion, l tend to disagree with the statement above because there are some merits that come with informal study
such
 as people making money out of skills learned and one can express their natural born talents
while
 academic schooling has
also
 benefits
such
 as more opportunities and reduce levels of illiteracy . On one hand, letting kids focus on academic courses makes them be exposed to job opportunities, in the sense that one can acquire a degree/s and work in a certain field to grasp experience leaving them open to more fortunes.
For example
, there is a huge demand for nurses worldwide,
therefore
, people can apply at any department or can be travel nurses.
Moreover
,
formal
Correct article usage
a formal
show examples
 curriculum
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 illiteracy rates among young scholars,
to sum up
, decreasing unemployment levels, to illustrate, Zimbabwe has approximately above 80% literacy rate among the youths .
On the other hand
, people have become wealthy and rich just by choosing to focus on non-academic subjects ,
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 chefs and professional trainers.
In addition
, a person can go for training to perfect their skill thereby, being recognised by an organisation or club and become the centre of attraction in the company,
for instance
, MS Dhoni the famous sportsman in India whose talent was acknowledged by the cricket inspector during a training session, fast forward to today he is the most paid person in India.
Furthermore
, there are individuals who are naturally gifted, they can reach their goals without even going to school ,
for example
, Cristiano Ronaldo.
Submitted by teterayithelma on

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Task Achievement
Continue to use clear topic sentences to introduce your main points. This helps keep your arguments well-organized and easy for the reader to follow.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding on your examples by explaining how they specifically support your arguments. This depth of analysis can enhance the persuasiveness of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure to provide a clear distinction between paragraphs and ideas. Transition phrases can help signal shifts in argument or a move to a new example, enhancing the flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
Try to maintain a balance between academic and non-academic subjects in your discussion to fully address the prompt. This shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
General Advice
Proofread your essay to catch and correct minor grammatical and spelling errors. These small adjustments can improve the overall professionalism of your writing.
Task Achievement
The essay provides a balanced view, discussing both sides of the argument effectively.
Task Achievement
Relevant examples, such as the career of MS Dhoni and Cristiano Ronaldo, make the arguments more concrete and engaging.
Coherence & Cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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