IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that zoos are all cruel and should be shut down. Others, however, believe that zoos can be useful in protecting wild animals.

#people #zoos #animals
Nowadays we have so many different kinds of
zoos
. Some folks think that animals
have
Add a missing verb
do have
show examples
 not enough comfort and
state
Correct article usage
the state
show examples
 must suspend
work
Correct article usage
the work
show examples
 of
zoos
.
However
, another population guess
such
 fauna are safe In the wild.
This
 essay would argue
that is
 a negative development because
best
Add an article
the best
show examples
 way to save endangered species is by protecting natural habitats,
furthermore
Add a comma
furthermore,
show examples
zoos
 are educational, interesting and fun. When creatures live
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
natural
Correct article usage
a natural
show examples
 environment they can
safe
Replace the word
save
show examples
 their style of living.
Also
, fauna
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 able to hunt and have food as usually they eat. I suppose, that it is useful for their health. Sometimes I feel sorry for them as animals have limited space
as a result
 of faunas not
to be
Change the verb form
being
show examples
 able to run.
For example
, In my hometown was accident few years ago, the lion died.
Reasons
Correct article usage
The reasons
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Change the word
their
his
her
show examples
 death were
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
unsuitable weather,
poorly
Correct word choice
and poorly
show examples
 looked after him. Not
enough
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
eating healthy food was detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 all health.
As well as
 that, the quality of education of kids will grow if we open all
zoos
. Children can to know
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
kinds
Change preposition
of kinds
show examples
 of wild creatures,
Correct pronoun usage
their way
show examples
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 of living and their habits. I believe that, if people observe
their
Replace the word
they're
they are
show examples
 able to love them and will be treated with understanding.
For instance
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
The University
Cambridge
Change preposition
of Cambridge
show examples
 studied how the zoo affects the learning of preschool children. The results were amazing.
Moreover
, 70%
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of kids after visiting
zoo
Correct article usage
the zoo
show examples
 there was a lot of motivation to study
wild life
Correct your spelling
wildlife
show examples
. In conclusion, the closure of
zoos
 gives freedom
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 animals
however
,
this
 phenomenon will not be beneficial for the development of
childrens
Change to a genitive case
children's
show examples
 knowledge.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Consider restructuring some sentences to flow better and be more grammatically accurate. For example, 'Some folks think that' could be 'Some people believe that' for a more formal tone.
Task Achievement
Use more precise and varied vocabulary to avoid repetition and enhance clarity. Words like 'fauna' are used misleadingly; 'animals' or 'wildlife' might be better choices.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more specific examples or statistics to support your arguments, making them more compelling and credible.
Task Achievement
Your essay introduces a clear viewpoint and discusses both sides of the argument, which is good for task response.
Coherence & Cohesion
The structure of your essay, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, supports the logical flow of information.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • animal welfare
  • conservation
  • captive breeding
  • habitat
  • ethical issues
  • zoochosis
  • endangered species
  • genetic diversity
  • reintroduction programs
  • wildlife education
  • sanctuary
  • natural living conditions
  • artificial environments
  • behavioral enrichment
  • ecosystem
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!