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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of Asian elephants between 1997 and 2004 Summarise the information be selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the number of Asian elephants between 1997 and 2004 Summarise the information be selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The bar chart above illustrates the maximum
number
Use synonyms
 of
elephants
Use synonyms
 in 9
countries
Use synonyms
 in Asia in 1997 and 2004.
While
Linking Words
 Vietnam, Sri Lanka, Cambodia,
Laos
Correct word choice
and Laos
show examples
 had a quietly small change in
elephant
Use synonyms
 population in two years, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
elephants
Use synonyms
 declined significantly in
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 5
countries
Use synonyms
, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 India, Malaysia, Myanmar, Thailand and China. China had the smallest
number
Use synonyms
 of
elephants
Use synonyms
 and
in contrast
Linking Words
, India had the most. There are 4
countries
Use synonyms
 that have the quietly same trend about
elephant
Use synonyms
 population. Of the 4
countries
Use synonyms
, only Cambodia had more
elephants
Use synonyms
 in 2004 than in 1997. Vietnam, Sri Lanka,
Laos
Correct word choice
and Laos
show examples
 all decreased
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 marginal
number
Use synonyms
 of
elephants
Use synonyms
. Vietnam ended up in 2004 with less than 1000
elephants
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 Sri Lanka had the largest
elephant
Use synonyms
 population in 2004, which is nearly 3000
elephants
Use synonyms
. It could be seen that in
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 5
countries
Use synonyms
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
elephants
Use synonyms
 had a clear downward trend. The biggest fall happened in India and Thailand, with a change of nearly 3000
elephants
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 each
countries
Use synonyms
 have differences in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 drop in
elephant
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
number
Fix the agreement mistake
numbers
show examples
, the country that had
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 largest proportion of
elephants
Use synonyms
 still had their place in 2004, and the country that had
least
Correct article usage
the least
show examples
elephants
Use synonyms
 still had their place in 2004.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, elephants, countries, elephant with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "change" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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