IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In recent times, economic growth has helped many become richer, both in developed and developing countries. However, those in developed countries are not as happy as they were in the past. Why is this? What can be learned from this?

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In the current generation,
financial
Correct article usage
the financial
show examples
 growth of the countries has developed a lot, which made a huge number of millionaires when compared to the past era. Anyhow,
people
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 generation are happier when compared to the previous decade.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees with the statement that the citizens are not happy when
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to the
last
Linking Words
 years and I will state the reason that we can learn from
this
Linking Words
 incident. Starting from the ordinary person’s perspective, in
this
Linking Words
 generation,
people
Use synonyms
 are blindly focused on earning money
instead
Linking Words
 of spending time with their family members because the cost of living in each country
was
Verb problem
has
show examples
 increased drastically in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent years. Apart from that,
people
Use synonyms
 are mesmerised by luxury items
such
Linking Words
 as fancy cars,
house
Fix the agreement mistake
houses
show examples
 and much more.
Hence
Linking Words
, to achieve their fantasy dream,
people
Use synonyms
 are earning and working a lot with their
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 and employment.
For example
Linking Words
, most data analysts
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
found that the public
are
Change the verb form
is
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 working more than regular hours when compared to the
pervious
Correct your spelling
previous
show examples
 era.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, we can observe that
people
Use synonyms
 are simply focusing on money
instead
Linking Words
 of
value
Wrong verb form
valuing
show examples
 their family members. From
this
Linking Words
 perspective, I have learned that citizens are becoming greedy. To avoid
this
Linking Words
 scenario, the government should implement some new rules and regulations which make the
people
Use synonyms
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
limit their working hours.
As a result
Linking Words
, they can spend time with their children, and it will
also
Linking Words
 improve the quality of
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Denmark,
people
Use synonyms
 are very strict about their work hours.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, they can maintain a constant relationship quality in their family. In conclusion, the public in
this
Linking Words
 current era
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
simply
wanting
Wrong verb form
wants
show examples
 to show that they are living luxuriously to other citizens.
Instead
Linking Words
 of expressing their financial value to others, they can spend time with their family.

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Introduction
Your introduction provides a good overview, but it could be more concise and direct to specific points addressing the question.
Body Paragraphs
In your body paragraphs, try to develop your points more clearly with specific examples. Whilst you mention the attitudes and behaviours, adding concrete examples would strengthen your argument.
Coherence
You could improve the logical flow by ensuring each paragraph clearly builds upon the previous one, using a range of linking phrases.
Task Response
Focus on expanding the depth of your arguments, examining both the reasons for decreased happiness despite wealth and offering a more diverse range of lessons that can be learned.
Language Use
Be attentive to small inaccuracies in language use, which can slightly hinder clarity. Regular practice and review will help refine your linguistic accuracy.
Task Response
Good attempt at addressing both parts of the prompt through a structured approach.
Understanding
You demonstrate an understanding of the essay's requirements and attempt to create a relevant argument.
Examples
Use of examples, such as working hours in Denmark, to support your points, shows an attempt to ground your arguments in real-world scenarios.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Economic growth
  • Material wealth
  • Affluent societies
  • Social cohesion
  • Isolation and loneliness
  • Work-related stress
  • Professional expectations
  • Aspirations and reality
  • Environmental degradation
  • Sustainability
  • Consumerism
  • Comparison
  • Life balance
  • Mental well-being
  • Community relationships
  • Sustainable development
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