In recent times, economic growth has helped many become richer, both in developed and developing countries. However, those in developed countries are not as happy as they were in the past. Why is this? What can be learned from this?

In the current generation,
financial
Correct article usage
the financial
show examples
growth of the countries has developed a lot, which made a huge number of millionaires when compared to the past era. Anyhow,
people
in
this
generation are happier when compared to the previous decade.
This
essay agrees with the statement that the citizens are not happy when
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
to the
last
years and I will state the reason that we can learn from
this
incident. Starting from the ordinary person’s perspective, in
this
generation,
people
are blindly focused on earning money
instead
of spending time with their family members because the cost of living in each country
was
Verb problem
has
show examples
increased drastically in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent years. Apart from that,
people
are mesmerised by luxury items
such
as fancy cars,
house
Fix the agreement mistake
houses
show examples
and much more.
Hence
, to achieve their fantasy dream,
people
are earning and working a lot with their
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
and employment.
For example
, most data analysts
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
found that the public
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
working more than regular hours when compared to the
pervious
Correct your spelling
previous
show examples
era.
On the other hand
, we can observe that
people
are simply focusing on money
instead
of
value
Wrong verb form
valuing
show examples
their family members. From
this
perspective, I have learned that citizens are becoming greedy. To avoid
this
scenario, the government should implement some new rules and regulations which make the
people
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
limit their working hours.
As a result
, they can spend time with their children, and it will
also
improve the quality of
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
.
For instance
, in Denmark,
people
are very strict about their work hours.
As a consequence
, they can maintain a constant relationship quality in their family. In conclusion, the public in
this
current era
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
simply
wanting
Wrong verb form
wants
show examples
to show that they are living luxuriously to other citizens.
Instead
of expressing their financial value to others, they can spend time with their family.
Submitted by jeeveshkb22 on

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Introduction
Your introduction provides a good overview, but it could be more concise and direct to specific points addressing the question.
Body Paragraphs
In your body paragraphs, try to develop your points more clearly with specific examples. Whilst you mention the attitudes and behaviours, adding concrete examples would strengthen your argument.
Coherence
You could improve the logical flow by ensuring each paragraph clearly builds upon the previous one, using a range of linking phrases.
Task Response
Focus on expanding the depth of your arguments, examining both the reasons for decreased happiness despite wealth and offering a more diverse range of lessons that can be learned.
Language Use
Be attentive to small inaccuracies in language use, which can slightly hinder clarity. Regular practice and review will help refine your linguistic accuracy.
Task Response
Good attempt at addressing both parts of the prompt through a structured approach.
Understanding
You demonstrate an understanding of the essay's requirements and attempt to create a relevant argument.
Examples
Use of examples, such as working hours in Denmark, to support your points, shows an attempt to ground your arguments in real-world scenarios.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Economic growth
  • Material wealth
  • Affluent societies
  • Social cohesion
  • Isolation and loneliness
  • Work-related stress
  • Professional expectations
  • Aspirations and reality
  • Environmental degradation
  • Sustainability
  • Consumerism
  • Comparison
  • Life balance
  • Mental well-being
  • Community relationships
  • Sustainable development
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