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Band 4.5

The efficient functioning of society is based on rules and laws. Society would not function well if individuals were free to do whatever they wanted. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#society #rules #laws #function #individuals
Society
 is a collection of
individuals
. Each individual is unique and
have
Change the verb form
has
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 different beliefs.
The co-operation
Correct article usage
Co-operation
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 is necessary for a mindful
society
. The common rules and laws ensure minimizing friction and increasing
efficiency
Add an article
the efficiency
show examples
 of
this
 collective process. On one hand,
freedom
 of choice is a great concept.
This
 helps to incorporate
individuals
 with various skills to improve and contribute rather than forcing them to follow others.
For example
, if a
society
 is struggling with its current
fuctioning
Correct your spelling
functioning
,
freedom
Correct article usage
the freedom
show examples
 to invent helps to bring a solution to the negotiation table which improves the quality of the
overall
 functioning. The
freedom
 of speech leads to expression against oppression and injustice. Appreciating
individuals
 for their uniqueness will increase the
overall
 mental well-being of
individuals
.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
freedom
 of choice can lead to negative consequences.
Freedom
 to spend their earning in their own way might lead to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of
self discipline
Add a hyphen
self-discipline
show examples
.
This
 might end up in an addiction crisis. Inventions are great but
certain
Change preposition
at certain
show examples
 times resources might get wasted without restrictions. Expressing your own views about
others
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others'
other's
show examples
belief
Fix the agreement mistake
beliefs
show examples
 might lead to polarization and violence between communities. The
freedom
 to be who you are is a
double edged
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double-edged
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 sword. The individual should take sole responsibility for the negative outcomes inflicted upon
society
. The laws should be carefully analyzed and
freedom
 should be given up to a certain limit where individual acts
doesn't
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don't
show examples
 interfere
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
 social sphere.
Submitted by onlineconsumer on

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Examples
To improve, try to provide more detailed examples to support your points. This will enhance the persuasiveness of your arguments.
Introduction/Conclusion
In your introduction and conclusion, try to succinctly summarize your main points and stance to make your position clearer.
Understanding
Your essay successfully demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and a balanced view, providing insights on both sides of the argument.
Coherence/Cohesion
You've exhibited a commendable ability in creating a coherent and cohesive essay structure, where each paragraph flows logically to the next, enhancing the reader's comprehension.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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