IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some believe that children should be taught from a young age how to handle money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#believe #children #age #money
Nowadays, numerous countries adopt capitalism, so people need
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
money
 if they want to live healthy and rich. Some argue that they should start to learn how to utilize
money
 from their childhood, and I completely agree with it following reasons that I will mention in
this
 essay.
Firstly
, education systems in most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
countries are not enough developed, so they frequently focus on subjects
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
students
 hardly use in
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 future.
However
, knowledge of
money
 is required for almost everyone, which means that
students
 have to learn
this
 in their educational facilities rather than science or philosophy.
For example
, math or
laguage
Correct your spelling
language
luggage
 are only needed for specific
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
such
 as researchers and teachers, so workers do not have an opportunity to utilize these but
Add a missing verb
are face
show examples
face
Replace the word
faced
show examples
 with timing to need
fnancial knowlage
Correct your spelling
financial knowledge
.
Furthermore
, adults cannot usually spend numerous resources to study it,
while
 young people have so much
time
 to do so.
For instance
, full-
time
wokers
Correct your spelling
workers
 spend eight hours a day to work on average, which means that they can only have four hours a day because they normally spend twelve hours for sleep and leisure
time
.
In contrast
,
students
 technically study anytime they want except
sleep
Change preposition
for sleep
show examples
 and leisure
time
, so the amount of
time
 is over three times as much as workers have.
Thus
,
students
 should smartly spend
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
huge resources to learn about
money
 rather than other subjects. In conclusion, since there are at least two crucial reasons for studying finance in childhood, including a lack of developed education systems and
time
restriction
Fix the agreement mistake
restrictions
show examples
, children should
definetely
Correct your spelling
definitely
 learn how to use their
money
 wisely from their childhood.
Submitted by ryoga17.0325 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Be cautious with generalizations and ensure your arguments are substantiated with diverse examples to strengthen them.
Coherence & Cohesion
Using a range of linking words can enhance the coherence of your essay. Consider diversifying your connectors to show contrast, cause, and effect more clearly.
Task Achievement
While discussing the importance of financial education, clarifying how it can be integrated into existing curriculums or suggesting specific pedagogical approaches could provide a more rounded argument.
Task Achievement
You've provided a clear stance and supported it with a structured argument, which is commendable.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion were effectively used to frame your argument, demonstrating good essay structure.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your main points were well-supported and relevant to the prompt, showing a good understanding of the topic.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: