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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some believe that children should be taught from a young age how to handle money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, numerous countries adopt capitalism, so people need
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
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money
Use synonyms
 if they want to live healthy and rich. Some argue that they should start to learn how to utilize
money
Use synonyms
 from their childhood, and I completely agree with it following reasons that I will mention in
this
Linking Words
 essay.
Firstly
Linking Words
, education systems in most
of
Change preposition
apply
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countries are not enough developed, so they frequently focus on subjects
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 hardly use in
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 future.
However
Linking Words
, knowledge of
money
Use synonyms
 is required for almost everyone, which means that
students
Use synonyms
 have to learn
this
Linking Words
 in their educational facilities rather than science or philosophy.
For example
Linking Words
, math or
laguage
Correct your spelling
language
luggage
 are only needed for specific
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as researchers and teachers, so workers do not have an opportunity to utilize these but
Add a missing verb
are face
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face
Replace the word
faced
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 with timing to need
fnancial knowlage
Correct your spelling
financial knowledge
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, adults cannot usually spend numerous resources to study it,
while
Linking Words
 young people have so much
time
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 to do so.
For instance
Linking Words
, full-
time
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wokers
Correct your spelling
workers
 spend eight hours a day to work on average, which means that they can only have four hours a day because they normally spend twelve hours for sleep and leisure
time
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
students
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 technically study anytime they want except
sleep
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for sleep
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 and leisure
time
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, so the amount of
time
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 is over three times as much as workers have.
Thus
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,
students
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 should smartly spend
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
huge resources to learn about
money
Use synonyms
 rather than other subjects. In conclusion, since there are at least two crucial reasons for studying finance in childhood, including a lack of developed education systems and
time
Use synonyms
restriction
Fix the agreement mistake
restrictions
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, children should
definetely
Correct your spelling
definitely
 learn how to use their
money
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 wisely from their childhood.

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Task Achievement
Be cautious with generalizations and ensure your arguments are substantiated with diverse examples to strengthen them.
Coherence & Cohesion
Using a range of linking words can enhance the coherence of your essay. Consider diversifying your connectors to show contrast, cause, and effect more clearly.
Task Achievement
While discussing the importance of financial education, clarifying how it can be integrated into existing curriculums or suggesting specific pedagogical approaches could provide a more rounded argument.
Task Achievement
You've provided a clear stance and supported it with a structured argument, which is commendable.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion were effectively used to frame your argument, demonstrating good essay structure.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your main points were well-supported and relevant to the prompt, showing a good understanding of the topic.
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